Glorious Mullet

Death Cab for Cutie "Narrow Stairs" (Hey I got a band for ya... Hurt Locker for Lovely and my new album is mediocre as well)

2009-01-31T12:44:00.004-05:00

Death Cab for Cutie....
This name of a band which makes you sorta cringe because it seems so filled with indie pretentiousness to hang a name around your bands collective neck like that, and being from Athens, Georgia I've heard my share of indie darling band names. What's in a name you might ask well sometimes a name can be associated with bad memories like nights seeing the band named Neutral Milk Hotel or Olivia Tremor Control, and wishing you'd stayed at some cheap boozer (which Athens Ga. has plenty)pounding beers for Jesus in the heart of the Bible Belt.
Although let it never be said I will not give something a listen if albeit not holding a facial expression like I know something stinking is about to assault my nose. So, it brings me back to the first time I gave Death Cab for Cutie a listen, and their offering I gave a good listen was the album Plans released in 2005 which I did like and it had a few good tunes that I enjoyed listening to like "Soul Meets Body", and "Summer Skin". I bought the album and thus my microscope came out and I needed to hear more of their catalog. I listened to every album from Something About Airplanes released in 1998 to Transatlanticism the album released in 2003 prior to Plans. The band had a distinctive sound that I found myself enjoying. The music wasn't in your face and the lyrics were fairly poetic if not a big cliche at times, but after time all sentiments get cliche to someone at some point.
Being that I had gone through all their studio albums and liked what I heard I was really looking forward their newest release Narrow Stairs which came out in May of 2008. Like most I did like their single "I Will Possess Your Heart", but I didn't really hear any other song on the album that really just stood out to me, and found myself getting kinda tired of hearing songs about love forlorn women who have issues and the guys they date with issues. I found myself thinking the album was just mediocre at best which honestly not all bands can knock it out of the park with every release. Songs like "Talking Bird" were depressing not because of the lyrics but just because it was a dead horse subject they as a band couldn't stop beating, along with "You Can Do Better Than Me" which made me want to say "hey it could be her fault for being an emotional cripple". The band just made me think they were just a bunch of low self esteem please love me pussies, and the only way you'd get laid to this music is from a pity fuck.
Hence I'm torn, because I do like Death Cab for Cutie they just made an album that seemed like they were phoning it in and seemed to say "Ok, lets do the same thing we've done on each album on this one too". So, if you are a fan of Death Cab for Cutie you should get this album because when you give it a listen you'll say "ya that's Death Cab for Cutie alright", but be left underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed which honestly after listening to their lyrics seems to be how you could describe the song writer's love life "Underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed".
Death Cab for Cutie has made its way into a category which is good background music. Music you really don't pay much attention too but hear a song or two that make you say "oh I like this one" but tune out the rest of the songs. So, on those Sundays when nothing is going on and you're not going out and you just want some music that isn't going make you think or assault your senses then put on Death Cab for Cutie. I bet you'll just sit around and relax and maybe take a nap, which in a way is like a dark cloudy sky on a birthday morning. Wow, I just typed out a Death Cab for Cutie metaphor don't I feel like a college freshman girl who's love life is just sooooo tragic and complicated..... like where is my poetry journal I so need to scribe these emotions and then blog about it thus broadcasting my blandness.

Preview Death Cab for Cutie at the following:

Death Cab for Cutie's official website
Death Cab for Cutie on myspace

What a lovely internet blogging vacation

2009-01-28T06:55:00.002-05:00

Soooooooooo..... I've had a long lay off from blogging or anything else for that matter. I know all were just shitting themselves in fear of losing my witty typings.... yes even I didn't miss me, but I'm back to typing "me thoughts". I'm also supporting a new venture known as "Velvet Devil" or "VD" for short. So, yes kiddies I support VD.
So, in the up-coming days and weeks I plan on putting down some shite for all to read and ponder. I will be fueled by numerous diet beverages... whilst sitting in my Superman shorts that hide my shameful Clark Kent dick from the world. Know that I love you all in the hands off internet style that makes a "one-night-drunken-honkey-tonk-stand" seem meaningful and life enriching.

Weezer "Weezer" 2008 other wise known as "The Red Album" (Spark one up and smoke, choke, and wheez to some damn good rock)

2008-06-05T04:34:00.008-04:00

Weezer… How do I come at this band in a review? I will say this that their newest album which is their sixth and third self titled album known as “The Red Album” unofficially is one of their best. Personally I have only one album by Weezer in my collection and that’s “The Blue Album” which happens to be their first album. Sure I loved Pinkerton their second offering but never bought it and I’m not entirely sure why other than 1996 and 1997 were a couple of years I don’t remember all that well.
Evidently they were some years that affected Rivers Cuomo in a different kind of way as well. He and the rest of the band called it quits for a couple of years and Cuomo himself went into a self-admitted depression. The band never officially broke-up but went on “hiatus” and weren’t to be seen again as the original line-up ever again with Matt Sharp (bass & backing vocals) being the first to not rejoin the band when thoughts of getting back together started being worked on in 1998. Eventually all concerned worked on their own personal shit along with being creative assholes who decided to finally get over themselves.
What we got was the third Weezer album which was self titled and known as “The Green Album”, and while it was ok it wasn’t a quality release. You could hear they had rust on their song writing and music that had to be sanded off. I mean honestly a song like “Hash Pipe” should be a song sung by kids in high school or fresh out. I can understand that this album while a big seller was rusty and not so great being it was the first after a self imposed 3 year break.
Their third album Maladroit was a harder edged album and one I kind of like better than “The Green Album”, but just happened to be their lowest selling album to date. I love “Death and Destruction”, “Dope Nose”, and “Take Control” from the Maladroit album. This album went into their next studio album offering called “Make Believe”, and I almost hate this album for the one single “Beverly Hills” because it got killed on the radio and MTV. The sad thing is that with the MP3 generation that just buy singles and not albums they miss songs that are deeper cuts like “The Damage in Your Heart”, and “This Is Such a Pity” that could be off any album by The Killers. The album “Make Believe” had Weezer back at their A-game status with a collection of great songs even if “Beverly Hills” did get killed on the radio for me.
This brings us to Weezer’s newest album and their third one which is self titled known as “The Red Album”, and let me just say this album is great. Seriously people, after two listens I found myself trying to sing to a couple of the songs and that is huge. The first song on the album called “Troublemaker” is great and when he sings “how’s this for arts and crafts” and goes into a riff then shouting with the band “That’s Right!” is kind of like saying in your face. “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”, is the second song and is great how it seems to be a commentary on ego and how some buy into it fully and how others just lampoon it with lyrics “try to play it cool like you just don’t care but soon I’ll be playing in your underwear… I’m like the mage with the magic spell” which cast one on you that makes you laugh. Yes, I said “lampoon”. The forth song on the album called “Heart Songs” is a song that just speaks to you, because we all have a soundtrack in our mind for events past and present. This soundtrack is one we are not ashamed to sing along with once we hear a song from those times we remember with fondness or with a wince. The fifth song on the album “Everybody Get Dangerous” is a song for guys who were bored and put their energies in outlets that could have led to things no so great. The rest of the songs on the album are just as good as the first five on the album and I just enjoy listening to this album over and over. I think if you ever liked a Weezer song you should check out this album and if this is a sign of the future for Weezer then I hope they go beyond the primary colors and give us more music like this. So, spark up your hash pipe and smoke, choke, and wheez along with Weezer’s new self titled album “The Red Album”, and maybe one of them might be one of your “heart songs that never feel wrong”.

Preview Weezer's music at these two places online.
Weezer's Official Website
Listen to Weezer on their Myspace page

Alicia Keys "As I Am" (Thank God You Aren't "As You Were")

2008-06-02T17:44:00.008-04:00

I gotta say I’m a purist when it comes to soul and R&B, and being I grew up just down the road from Atlanta, Georgia I gots da street creds to be makin a step-up like dat. This brings me to the album I’m reviewing by Miss. Alicia Keys called “As I am”, and yes I do know I’m a year behind on talking about this album but hey I speak about them once I’ve given them a listen, so deal wit it ya heard.
Now being that I don’t really get much into the newer R&B and soul and feel most who dabble in it now have little of no idea of what they are doing. I will also say that I listen to more rock than any other genre, and so for me to notice “As I am” from Alicia Keys was big to say the least. The album as a whole is a really good listen. I would even buy this album in stores and will in the future. Her debut album “Music in A Minor” was a critical success along with a fan success as well. The single “Fallin” from her first album was a good change of pace from what was out there these days but as all popular songs sometimes it got played to death on the radio. So, in my case at least I hated to hear it come on the radio after a time. “A Woman’s Worth” was the typical empowering of the female cause or situation song you get on female singer albums at times and so I sorta overlooked it as a typical formula used on song making for an album. Alicia Keys second album was huge as well and sold more copies in the first week than most female artist will ever sell of an album titled “The Diary of Alicia Keys”, and even though it was hailed by critics and sold so many units I really didn’t give it a listen and found myself not really caring. “You Don’t Know My Name” and “If I Ain’t Got You”, were big hits from this album but I didn’t care to know her name and she didn’t have me. I just felt like she was something being churned out of some hit making formula scheme like Britney Spears. Alicia Keys' mother was a small no name actress and even Alicia got little bit parts like being part of Rudy’s sleep over guest in an episode of “The Cosby Show”.
Then I heard “As I am” and from that album I heard the song “No One”. I was hooked in by this song and it’s lyrics that were not bubble gum fluff but a story being told in song. So, I found the album and started giving it a preview. I was blown away by “Like You’ll Never See Me Again” and I’m not some 12 to 15 year old girl with some boy drama. It really spoke to me and even as it bordered on cliché it really was something that tugged on the emotions one feels when we’ve lost someone or someone has left. The next song that was just a damn good single was “Lesson Learned” featuring John Mayer(who I hate because he’s a prick in person), and I have to say it was a good teaming and I did like the lyrical arrangement as if a man was talking to his woman. The lyrics at the beginning of “Lesson Learned” talking about broken hearts and how “it’s raining just to rub it in” your face that you’re heart broke and suffering inside from a love just lost can speak to anyone who love and lost and the pain at the loss caused until it all made sense. “Teenage Love Affair”, spoke to her fans that were in the midst of one, and those who could remember when they were teenaged and in a love affair that seemed to mean any and everything to them. These songs strength were enough to make me stand up and take notice of Alicia Keys and not as a one hit wonder or someone churned out by the music business as a money making hit maker, but rather an artist with something to say.
Sure, while making this review I did think about Alicia Keys weird statements about how the government made Gangsta Rap to drag down the African American population. Hell I can believe the government made crack more than I could Gangsta Rap. I know this is just the words of someone who thinks the race she is identifying with while it’s cool isn’t responsible for any acts of stupidity or hurt upon themselves… which is total bullshit. See,her saying this makes me wonder does she know anything about her Irish background which are people still held under the boot of English rule even now. Anyway, you can overlook that with this music, and you can overlook her ample ass monster she stuffs in her painted on pants. Yes, is the answer because the music is just that good. So, if you are looking for some good neo-soul mixed with R&B that flirts with rock and hip hop, then go out and buy Miss. Alicia Keys new album “As I am” and see if you don’t kiss that special someone a little harder and with more passion “like this is the last time.”

Preview her work at the sites below.
Alicia Keys' spot on Myspace
This is her official website.

Rambo 4 (If you have a penis and don't love this movie you are gay or really considering it)

2008-06-02T15:55:00.001-04:00

Ok, this movie review has been way overdue. The movie I’m about to tell you about is called Rambo (2008), or Rambo 4. This movie is nothing more than pure excellence. Now, before you start thinking “alright the Untan One is a Rambo lover”, stop and keep reading. I was part of the movie viewing public ready for this movie to be a laugh or just be ok, but nothing close to good. I was soooooo very wrong it is unbelievable. This movie moved me because it was a glimpse into Hell, and Stallone pulled no punches.
Seriously, Stallone played a Rambo in this movie that hated the world, people, and himself. He didn’t speak much which worked so well to show a man withdrawn from society and his own soul. It wasn’t some cliché riddled strong silent type but the fuck you I ain’t speaking type. Stallone didn’t pander to current events by putting Rambo into a current news worthy hot spot like Iraq or African, but rather put him in a Hell hole that few know of called Burma. Few, if any of us knew of the evil in Burma, and wasn’t it future telling irony that we saw how brutal the Burmese government was when they had a Typhoon destroy their country side and refuse aid from any where. It was like the Burmese were saying “fuck our people let them die,” and that was what they said in the movie Rambo 4 as well.
Rambo is hired to take missionaries from one of those rich churches that send groups to 3rd world cesspool thinking they are doing God’s work in a place that God seems himself to have said “fuck it”. His disdain and belief of them as fools is a feeling I have myself for those kinds of groups and thus Rambo and I felt a kinship and I was drawn further into the movie. Now, I could go on more about the storyline but it would be a spoiler in ways for those who haven’t seen the movie and everyone needs to see it especially men. Why especially men? Well, because the message it sends is one that all men need to hear. “Live for nothing or die for something”. In this society we seem to be consumed with making a buck and what we spend that buck on. We have hardly any awareness of the suffering around us much less the suffering in other countries. The call for all men should be to leave this earth in a better shape than what we found it. Sure, I know women can feel and do this too, but because I’m a man I’m talking to dudes so save your comments ladies. Ok, then when we feel a bound and gagged conscience start to loosen its duct taped mouth and call out. We then reapply that tape by going to some 3rd world toilet for “church” and painting some buildings and pass out candy. Thinking that we have done our duty and even talked about Jesus to people who blind their kids on purpose to make them better beggars for next time when we visit. Do you really think that the new coat of paint on their meeting hall made a shit bit of difference to their life? Hell no, they are still eating rat soup when we leave. Trust me people, the reason people sometimes really hate Americans is because we don’t even clean up our own backyard before we start telling others they need to clean up theirs; examples Native American Reservation system, Appalachian People, Urban rot. Funny thing is I knew a woman from Kenya who once had grand illusions about the United States until she got here and said it was so hard to make it here and wanted to go back to Kenya. Now, that sorta says something for this house on a hill we’ve supposedly made for ourselves. The point being that even from Africa where a lion could eat a relative and you could get malaria; they’d rather return to that than live here because here ain’t so great.
Anyway, I know I got preachy but can you see a point as in the fact that Rambo 4 got me this fired up?
Ok ok ok ok…. Back to the movie review.
The violence in this movie isn’t for the faint of heart. I found myself along with Biscuit hollering out loud at the sight of some of the violent acts portrayed on this film. It was a movie that pulled no punches what so ever. If you are a man and don’t like this movie just on the pure “war is hell” and violent level then you really got to check your package at the door because somewhere you lost your balls. The greatest thing about this movie is also how no one tells you the message you should take away from this film. The message just comes to you from the imagery unless you are dead from the neck up which a lot of you are these days. I was left with a feeling of wanting to get a 50 caliber machine gun and go punish some brutal dictators as well after watching this flick and I’m well into my 30’s and no longer believe myself to 10ft tall and bullet proof, but this movie fired me up.
So, get off your ass and go get this movie. Watch it…. Think about it…. Discuss it…. And “live for nothing or die for something”. Rambo 4 one damn awesome movie…. Oh, almost forgot in my Rambo fueled vigor. *The Biscuit Rating for this movie was…. Rubbing the head and face followed by Goddamn (5 stars) This movie will be bought by him and talked about for some time.* This is the highest rating Biscuit gives to a movie. Hell, I give it my highest rating as well and it got me so fired up I went Rambo on your ass in my review…. But I still love you all.

In certain cultures a man with body hair equals DEAD SEXY...

2008-03-28T05:17:00.004-04:00

Ok, ok, ok, ok... I know I am woefully behind on my music and movie reviewing but I'll catch up I promise. Seems some of my readers didn't heed my warning about I am Legend and watched that snoozer anyway. So, if my suffering or enjoyment and warning there of aren't being taken into consideration I figure I got a little slack.
ANYWAY
This brings me to my post this morning. Ever the traveling one, your hero, me the Untan man has found something of interest. It seems here in the United States a dangerous trend to have men hairless has taken a greater hold over society. Something that I myself find disturbing being gifted with enough body hair as to not confuse me with Bigfoot but rather a man with testosterone in acceptable levels. So I searched out from our shores to find another place for my now indication of need to be banished to the island of misfit toys. Wouldn't you know it.... I found such a place... and that place is ENGLAND BITCHES... and here is my proof. Seems some poor souls in the UK haven't been gifted with a winter coat of manly-ness and thus the Chest Wig was developed. Seems over there the hairy chest is a marker of macho and something liked by the ladies... There is no talk of body waxing... There is no talk of tweezin (which I am a fan of if you have a unibrow). Nay, there in the misty isles they want their man furred. To Hell with a "Happy Trail"... the women their want a Happy Super Highway from neck to nuts. Ah, the freedoms the men there must enjoy... For shame cruel USA with your waxing and plucking. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM... a place for chest hair freedom. Oh, and did I mention most if not all there are pale... as in untan... I'm fucking going, that's it.

For all you non-believers....

2008-03-27T03:04:00.006-04:00

I have gotten a question or two concerning a couple of pictures I have up on here sprinkled through my "Commentary on the things I find along my travels", and one of the questions is did I really take the picture or not. Some yes, some no... but here is proof that the weird is something I seem to run across from time to time. Now my children sit back and take a gander as this offering. Apostolic Spoken Motion Ministry... seriously I got nothing... it's like shotting fish in a barrel. You know I bet this means Shakira's hips really don't lie... and here I thought those fuckers couldn't talk, except say "hey this bitch has a double jointed anus". "Spoken Motion Ministry"... hip thrust "God is good"... spin, hump, hump "Sin is bad"... bustin a move "Jesus died for our sins"... break dancing "what better metaphor for the Passion"... if Moses had the Jitterbug fuck those ole Commandments. Need I say that Salsa, Meringue, Lambada, and Free Stylin' are all tools of SATAN.
Just look at this proof...Hang on folks I gotta do the "Robot" after seeing that evil image of devil woman and her fairy dance partner... I bet they had just done the Tango in the Ballroom Coven just after they sacrificed a baby at their Black Mass/Baco Raton Leisure Center (Bingo every Monday and Thursday and every third Saturday for our Gentile friends)...
I know a woman who used to be a dancer... (professional not erotic). Could she have been like me and praising Satan with her dancing as I did by just listening to Black Sabbath and Danzig totally unaware?
This dancing at the DDA or Divine Dance Academy is also Prophetic Dance at that... so not only are they worshiping Jesus with a "Boot Scootin" and "Two-Steppin" but they are also telling of the future second coming as well. They Stomp da Yard and you best get yer ass in line cause the lord be a'coming soon. Cloggin and it's a call to repent... You know I'd almost pay my dancer I know to go take a class or two of this... that would be a hoot... fuck it now you know what you're getting for your birthday... wait... I wonder if I can say I'm going to church and come home reeking of stripper and say I tithed and got a powerful message?
This sign that I saw magnetized on both sides of a car in the Ingle's parking lot gave me hope... Look how far we've come since Footloose. Town kept down by a preacher taken over by Satan and forbidding dance... and now there are schools that teach "Spoken Motion Ministry". Left, right, left, right, one, two, hip thrust, dip and spin... you're saved.

Tornadoes, Chasing rainbows, and busting my ass

2008-03-20T01:57:00.004-04:00

Last week there was a rash of really bad weather. Atlanta was hit with a tornado which I think was the first in its recorded history. The Untan one over at my mother's house and she being one who did not live too far from said action had to take cover the next day as tornado sirens started blaring. There was rain, thunder and lightning, and hail the size of quarters. We retreated to the basement only for the weather to pass as quickly as it came. The cool breeze along with rain was all that was left of the impending bad weather that was dropping tornadoes left and right in and around my area. Upon coming out of our hole we found ourselves on the porch and over to the side I noticed something and just happened to have my camera phone with me. It was a rainbow. Now, I'd never seen one that close and being the romantic idealic fool that I am; my first thought that rattle out was.... pot'o'gold. So, my ass went Cadillacin like a large draft horse with a serious case of rabies running off the porch. The end of the rainbow was only 20 yards from me.... but as is the case in most of my cautionary tales of woe; the ground was rather slick from the rain which was just passing to the east. I slide I think a good 4 feet before ass meat hit where once were my feet.
Did this stop your hero... oh no... it did not. Pushing myself back up to my feet I continued to the rainbow's end but with a noticeable hitch in my step and borderline terminal injury to my pride which was made no better by the rather loud doubled over cackling coming from the porch... (ah a mother's love)
Anyway, I made it to the rainbow... alas there was no gold but it was definitely different standing in a rainbow. You could see the colors and it was just like being bathed in light in every hue of the spectrum. So, I can add that to my list of things I've done that most haven't and that is I have stood in a rainbow. Sure enough like all things beautiful it too did fade but the beauty still remains in my mind. On a side note I did not start singing Judy Garland numbers or have a weird craving from ruby shoes or a witch killin... but Mom's dog is a Cairn Terrier which is the same breed as Toto... hmmmmmm

I am Legend (I am Rehashed Zombie movie... what do you get when you combine 28 Days Later and the movie Outbreak?)

2008-03-14T03:11:00.006-04:00

I am Legend... you know when I saw this movie I wanted to like it because I'm a fan of this kinda movie. What kinda movie you might be wondering? Well, the kind where there are mutants and or zombies about to wipe everyone out and you got some sole survivor that is either gonna cure them all or kill them all.
Hmmmmmm...... uh Untan do you need to issue a spoiler alert you might ask!?
No, not really I will say rent 28 Days Later which is a better movie of this genre. Imagine the lead character is Will Smith instead of some thin Irish actor with the best Irish last name Murphy and it's not London but New York City and you're almost all the way there. This movie(I am Legend) offered me nothing new and the zombie/infected were massively CGI'ed, where they weren't in 28 Days Later which just shock me up more when they looks like for reals people and shit.
Saint doctors working against a disease was done better in my opinion in the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. I remember watching Outbreak all twisted up saying "catch that damn monkey already". In I am Legend I just wondered when the dog was gonna get killed a la Ole Yeller style.
This genre is pretty played out and needs to take a break for a few years and reboot the idea. Will Smith is an OK actor sorta like the Bryant Gumble of black actors. The idea of the movie was better in the graphic comic book... excuse me adults read graphic novels... right... wake up losers it's a comic book and yes I'm gonna take your lunch money.
So, if I am Legend comes on cable watch it if you got an hour or two to kill otherwise it's easily missed and not regretfully so.
I am Legend? More like I am Tired Rehashed Genre...
This movie got a rating on the Biscuit Movie Rating System of:
1 leg shake and a constipated look with shrug

Nothing on TV in the dark a.m. hours could lead to STD's....

2008-03-14T02:50:00.003-04:00

This lament has been heard by everyone that suffers insomnia, "there's nothing on TV". Truly, it is the land of info-mmercials and shitty movies you'd never watch if you had something to do. The thing that I find interesting is how it's a commentary on our culture. You see info-mmercials on getting a bigger cock through pills or pump... you see pills to make sex last 2 hours longer than a week and maintain terminal erection for 3.9 hours because god in heaven help you if it goes 4 hours akimbo...you then see ways to become independently wealthy from people just dying to share their secret pathway to that said wealth... you then have (my favorite) the Girls Gone Wild video offers and honestly what guy among us hasn't almost been convinced to order one of those videos... you then have love lines where you call in and meet a mate or partake in a 1.95 a minute gherkin jerkin... then the mother of them all the Valtrex commercials.
See it started to make total sense to me... it's like I figured out the code or broke into the matrix. See you get the pills or pump and get a bigger hot hole humping hockey stick. Then you get the magic pill to keep your Asian scarin Godzilla piss pop hard because your ticker just can't pump up your new mutant slobber harmonica. Then you realize something that would make John Holmes give you a thumbs up ain't all it takes cause you need the money to get the pad to do the said "ahh push it" indoors. So, now your buying three legged jeans and have a pill to keep it so it opens doors, and you also now have a pimp palace from the proceeds of your road to wealth idea that the government don't want you to know about. Then it hits you... the lady you bagged has no time for a 3 hour hump and dump session because she's paying a sitter by the half hour, and so you buy the Girls Gone Wild videos which desensitize you to any woman you could really get in real Hee Haw Hell Georgia. Then desperate for the wild thing you call the hook-up line and something visits you that looks like an English sailor from 1700's with a serious case of scurvy but you don't care because that huge cherry poppin daddy has made you lite headed and you need relief after just two hours of it doing nothing but being a sun dial. You do the deed and boom a month later you are wondering why you feel like you're pissing mace. Then you get the Valtrex... thus completing your journey through late night TV. See... I told you I had it figured out.

Things that make me go "hmmmmm"...

2008-03-10T01:46:00.004-04:00

This past weekend I heard from a few of my friends that I am a wordsmith. Now, the way it was said wasn't a cut-down or tongue-in-cheek comment either, but something that seemingly meant with a large amount of belief of the truth behind the said comment. So, being the curious bitch I am I looked up the definitive definition of wordsmith. Seems the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online explains wordsmith as follows; a person who works with words; especially : a skillful writer. I got to say that I felt a lot flattered by this, but I think the praise is unwarranted. Yes, I have heard this drum beat being pounded out constantly over the same ole song my fan of one has been playing, but I figured love had way of rose tinting the truth to be something more than it really is in reality.
I was then told by a couple of people I barely know that I have a way with words. I know I am of no great intellect and so it makes me wonder has conversation between peers really fallen upon such hard times vocabulary-wise? Wouldn't it be a simple to just say that I am just above average with the words I spew forth. The fact is I know that isn't the case either because if I were such I wordsmith I would have held certain words inside and not let them fly. Words have a way of really wounding someone and how very tragic when they wound people you truly care about, and only come out as a glaring example of our weakness of character and by no means are born from a fault of the wounded. You really can't take words you say back. I have often said there is no point in defusing a bomb once it's gone off, and so words said when you are betraying not only who they are directed at but ourself can not be taken back.
I suppose the only thing a so-called wordsmith can do is try in his limited way to use those same words people say I work so well with to try and bring some peace to the affected if said in error. So to those that proclaim me wordsmith I do thank you for your praise, but in my definition of such a wordsmith would not let his human failings wound those he cares so very much for. I have said and written things that unlike the delusional who believe there are no such thing as regrets; I find myself regretting. My regrets are my demons in the wee early dark morning hours of sleeplessness and they are legion. So any who speak or write and might one day be called wordsmith; take this warning that the pain you cause by your words you work in will be visited back on your ten fold or at least has been the case with me. When I fall I am always standing on top of a mountain and sometimes my change has only come through the pain of my dearest hearts and for this I may be forgiven but shall never forgive myself. My debt I pay over and over again each night where sleep eludes me and gladly so, least I forget. Life is too short to hurt the ones you love with words you never truly meant because Hell truly is the absence of those you cared for so dearly only to lose because you yourself were for a moment lesser.

Who you can get away with being a dick/bitch too in the service industry and who you can't

2008-02-28T05:48:00.006-05:00

...or (The pubes in my Arby's roast beef sandwich and the reasons why)
This is a cautionary tale as much as it is an educational musing of life as I've found it along my travels. My aunt is a great woman and to know her is to love her, but one should be very careful going out to eat with her. She has a bad tendency to be the customer people hate in a restaurant. She wants quality and she wants it her way, and in reality this isn't a bad thing but in food service it can help you in your consumption of pubes, spit, body hair, and kitchen floor filth. She has been on occasion a tad fussy about her meal and at times has arrived for said meal under 10 minutes before the kitchen closes and no buddy but the closers are still in the restaurant. This is taking your dining experience into crazy town.
Let me also state I've worked a few kitchens in my day and so I'm not talking from the witless patron side of things... I've seen the darkside.
There was a small sandwich shop in my home town called Daddy's Deli and it was my aunt's favorite. This should have been a warning because this eatery being her favorite meant she had been there a lot. I remember it like it was yesterday that my mother and I went with my aunt to the Deli of the Daddy, but this visit was to color my life in a hue of heave. This day we visited went down in my memories of youth as the attack of the pubes. That's right... evidently someone in the kitchen (could have been Daddy himself) knew who was eating and put a lil of himself in the meal. I remember looking at my mother's drink cup and noticing all these dark curly hairs on it, and being the observant nipper I pointed them out. Mom turned green... because not only were they on the drink but all over the plate as well. Everyone had a sandwich with a side of curlies from down under. Daddy must have been bald from belt buckle down from the amount of hair that was their. Mother's face had that silent scream on it and we left with her almost wanting to puke and I'm not really sure if she didn't...twas many moons ago and I've blocked out a lot. We told my aunt but for some reason she didn't care... didn't believe... or lived in some deep ghetto in the land of denial. Whatever the case we (my mother and me) never went back to Daddy's Deli after consuming some of Daddy. To this very day I can mention this visit to my mother and she gets sick and hollers "Shut up" shuddering as if remembering a birthday party as a child where the clown blowing up balloons was walking around with his dick out.
What my major point is in all this is, when one is dining out it is really good to get there at a good time and be nice along with not to fussy. Otherwise, you just might be getting your daily dose of humanity literally. Sure fuss at your mechanic, construction worker, and doctor/dentist, but watch your ass when the folks in the service industry you're bitching at are handling your food, because as Daddy proved not only are they handling your food they are handling their balls....who wants lunch?

Puscifer "V Is For Vagina" ( More like "Y Is For Yawn")

2008-02-28T05:23:00.004-05:00

Now, I gotta be honest this review of an album really smarts. I'm a huge fan of Tool. I'm a large fan of A Perfect Circle. I've enjoyed listening to collaborations on certain singles of other bands that involved a certain Maynard James Keenan. So, I waited with baited breath the release of his new so called side project from Tool called "Puscifer", and I shit thee not the album's title was "V is For Vagina".... sure it is. I am a fan... of Maynard James Keenan not some music snob who thinks his critique matters, but damn this album blows. I download most of my music before I purchase the album due to past music buying mishaps, and so I got this misadventure in sound for free through my sources and have already deleted it before this post. I was prepared for new... I was prepared for funny... I was prepared for quirky... I was not prepared for absolute shit. I tried so many different times to enjoy at least one single from the album and I couldn't.
I am not even gonna do a track listing of this album. I'm not going to provide a link. I was very much disappointed and it wasn't that I was looking for an offering similar to his other works. All great artist are human beings and we should as they should remember that one does not applaud the singer we love for clearing his throat. Knowing this we should know that in their humanity they shit just like we do, but sometimes as in this time they take that shit and wanna share. Sorry but no thanks... your shit stinks and this shit you took musically should be flushed. Puscifer "V Is For Vagina"...(more like "Y Is For Yawn")...

"Laid back"...."Not gonna rush tha stroke"

2008-01-31T04:41:00.000-05:00

OK, I get it... I've been off from bloggin for a wee bit now, but fear not kiddies. Dangerously Untan is back and shall be posting new money shots of verbal masturbation for all to rub in showing true love. Don't really know why I stopped but for some reason I just found myself doing other things. Funny how a couple of classes will fuck up your flow. So, to all (if any) of my fans... "let me lick you up and down...except for your anus", cause I likes my tongue all around but not willing to risk do-do brown. See, just as funky flavored as before so stay tuned.

3:10 to Yuma ( You Got The Time??? Yes, It's Western Remaking Goodness Time)

2007-12-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

There are times I think that Hollywood needs to put some chlorine in its writers/idea pool when I see another remake being put out. These same thoughts came to mind when I saw that 3:10 to Yuma was being remade since the first attempt in 1957 when it was helmed by Delmer Daves, which stars Glen Ford and Van Heflin. I couldn’t help but also be curious in my want to see what two of my favorite actors Russell Crowe and Christian Bale could do with this western movie idea penned originally by “Mr. Western Writer” Elmore Leonard. I was also wondering how “Walk the Line” (a movie I liked) director James Mangold could do with a remake firstly and a complex story to pull off on film lastly. Now, I’m not some purist that thinks westerns were better back in the day or that singing cowboys were kinda stupid and more modern westerns are better. I don’t think anyone can touch John Ford’s movie called “The Searchers” starring none other than “The Duke” John Wayne, which is by far number one in my top ten western movie genre list. That being said I also love Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, and so I’ve got an open mind to most movies and good is good and bad is bad. The 2007 remake of 3:10 to Yuma is western movie gold.
3:10 to Yuma doesn’t try to get all focused on the time element by showing clocks the entire film. It fleshes out its two main characters, Russell Crowe playing the charismatic outlaw Ben Wade, and Christian Bale playing the good man against the world and holding it on his shoulders most moments dirt and skeletal cattle rancher Dan Evans. In typical Americana style we are presented with an outlaw Ben Wade we can romanticize and loathe all at the same time, Crowe adeptly plays an outlaw that can charm the panties off any woman, and shot you between the eyes for burping at the table. The Dan Evans part played by Christian Bale was done with such convincing acting ability by Bale, that I found myself wanting to give a dollar or two myself to help him and his family out. Dan Evans was a man doing the best he could after being shit on by his government, family, land, and god, yet still finding the will to fight which is a testament to the human spirit. He is thrust into the world of Ben Wade by chance but tries to take advantage of the situation by working to take him to the prison train bound for Yuma, just to help his beleaguered family’s money problems.
The 2007 remake is a movie that sheds the remake dullness and stands as a movie on it’s own. Sure 50 years is a long time between original and remake but sometimes the original over shadows the remake, that isn’t the case here. The 2007 version of 3:10 to Yuma is leaps and bounds above the original and is a must have if you are a lover of western genre films. The action is well placed and the grit is so gritty you think at times you too have dirt in your mouth. The ending isn’t Hollywood-ish at all and that is what makes it wonderful because cliché seems to rule the day most often in Tinsel Town. Crowe and Bale pull together one helluva western in a time when we seem to be in a drought of westerns. So, saddle up to a movie that brings you back to when the west was wild and men were made of true grit and guile, and if someone asks you what time it is tell them "3:10 and time to get a damn watch, bitch."
On the Biscuit Movie Rating System this movies received: No leg shakes followed by “Damn dude”
(On a side note he will be buying this movie for sure along with yours truly the Untan one.)

American Gangster (More Like Fur Really Is Murder or Dating A Puerto Rican Can Kill You)

2007-12-29T09:27:00.000-05:00

First off let me say I’m a big fan of the whole Gangster genre of movies hence I waited with baited breath to watch American Gangster staring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. The story is based on the true life story of Frank Lucas played by Denzel Washington and his rise to underworld powerhouse on the heroin trade in Manhattan along with the other boros during the late 1960’s into the 1970’s. His cop counter part Detective Richie Roberts is played by Russell Crowe.
The problem happens when you think you are going to see a gangster or mob type genre of film because it can also be argued this is a cops and robbers film as well. The story starts off well but as in most “true life” based movies there is a lot of back story they have to evolve from. It’s like there is so much build up you are kept wondering when is the action really going to hit but it never really does. Sure you have some scenes where folks are stepping out of line and Denzel’s character has to regulate (typically with killing them) but it sorta drags on.
I will say this that the portrayal of the cop played by Crowe is really gritty and very true to life. Most cops’ life suck and a good cop is sometimes the rare find in a city full of corruption. Although in saying that Crowe’s character is totally clean isn’t right either because while at work his character is beyond temptation, but in his private life his character is at best most times in shambles with many foilables and breaks to temptation.
So, we are given two very deep and in depth characters and it seems most of the story line gets lost in that regard. It was very right to explain and develop the Frank Lucas character in the movie, and it was just as right to explain and develop the Det. Richie Roberts character. The problem being that they could have made two movies from both those people. Combining the two really did make it a movie not hard to follow but something you can’t just put into 2 hours of movie magic. I didn’t know any back story or history of this story but I knew Frank Lucas was going down hard when he married the Puerto Rican. Nothing says bad luck coming like a Puerto Rican being thrown into the mix. Hey it isn’t a racism thing it is just a movie thing… West Side Story, The Soprano’s season six, American Gangster, and my dating past…you get my meaning.
I will give one tip about watching the movie and that is pay close attention to what happens when Frank Lucas is gifted a fur coat by his Puerto Rica bride played by Lymari Nadal. It’s like they were saying fur equals bad things-a-coming, and so go faux because fur is murder.
So, I can’t recommend going to see this film in theatres, because in my opinion it just isn’t worth it. I would say rent it once it’s out on DVD because it is worth a watch. I wouldn’t own it in my vast collection just because it isn’t memorable. On the Biscuit rating scale it only got two leg shakes followed by it was ok then compared to something he felt was a better film (The Departed), and so that is not a ringing endorsement on mine or his account.

The Biscuit Movie Rating System

2007-12-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

Allow me to explain what this rating system is all about. Biscuit is a buddy of mine that I typically screen new movies with and over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to his ratings of films. While some movie ratings have a thumbs up or down, and others have a five star system; I will be introducing my very own Biscuit Rating System (not to be confused with the bread product).

Crippled by Christmas shopping, and now needing a candy cane to walk...

2007-12-23T23:42:00.000-05:00

Being this is the season for stress and shopping until dropping. The Untan one shall be taking a Winter's nap from bloggin for the next two days. Who knows I might get froggy and rant about how this time of year has descended into a consumer hell on earth but I think I'll be doing the family thing while they are still on this plain to celebrate with.
For those I've lost this year my tree just doesn't seem as bright. For those I know hurting during this time... I hope some part of me can be a pain killer. For those without, know I'd share what if anything I have cause I don't plan on taking it with me. For those that have come in my life and supported, loved, and became my fan of one, know you've made all the difference.
This year some have made a great effort to take the bah from my hum bug.
Now something to laugh at or ponder... you be the judge.

I think this would be me as Santa after about 12 Jäger bombs to dull the pain of shallow brats asking for the lastest consumer good being pushed down our throats by soulless companies. This is a Santa who just found out his "job that no American would work" supposedly has been taken by a illegal Mexican working for less. Once upon a time I was a cook while in college to make some cash now you can't beg away those jobs from the all spanish speaking staff. Yet our government and political pundits would have you believe no one local would work those jobs.... lies all lies

The Land of Confusion And Where to Shop...

2007-12-19T04:09:00.001-05:00

Ok, I don’t understand why people tell me they have a hard time shopping for me. Those of you for who this statement applies to (all 3 of ya), I present these two stores. Just look someone put both of them side by side.
I gotta be honest when I saw the store on my left I ran to it giggling and making noises of joy like the retarded kids did in high school going to class on Banana Bread day. The concept of wholesale BJ’s (cause retail blows…no pun intended) was like Santa got my list. Unfortunately, I had to come to my senses really quick because a full of pseudo-Christ soccer mom in a SUV almost took me out not paying attention to the pedestrians in her path of terror.
I will say this I had no idea that they made clothes for my dick. Of course on a few excursions to a local Adult Book Store I’ve seen “sporting” goods for my who-who fiddly. The mind does wonder what bedazzled ornaments or clothing would be available in Dick’s for my pork sword and goolies.
Funny thing is, I stopped before going into either store because I thought it is Christmas, and I’ve already heard once again that it’s hard to shop for me. So, with that in mind I offer you two stores within which I’m sure you can find something for me. Why at BJ’s wholesale club, hell just a membership to the club says love. God Bless ya if you bought ole Untan a six pack of BJ’s at whole sale prices. Then you could pop into Dick’s and find a sporting good or two along with a costume to adorn my solo warrior in the valley of the vag.

No boyfriend knew the reason Tiffany didn't like Doggie style... UNTIL NOW...

2007-12-17T02:59:00.000-05:00

In this short journey we call life, almost every one of us has seen something, been a part of something, or had something done to us that define us for years to come. Now, I’m sure we’ve all got our tales of battle, poems of love, or scars both mental and physical we could all share, and you should feel free to do so in the comments section of this blog but for now I’ll tell you the story of Tiffany “The Girl Who Didn’t like it Doggie Style”.
First off, let me state Tiffany doesn’t exist and is only a creation of my sick, sick, sick, (did I say sick?) mind to illustrate my point. My point being that, we all have something be it pretty or ugly that shape us or make us do things a certain way in the future. Some would say as we get to the level of adulthood we shouldn’t let the past dictate our futures but rather have it as a guidepost of regrettable events to avoid. Thus, giving those regrettable events a meaning for happening and not be just random acts of an immortal evil overlord looking down upon us from his cloud covered base laughing as he sees just how fucked up he can make us lowly mortals in the head. Screw that!!! Sometimes shit happens and sometimes some people’s only reason on this Earth is to serve as a warning to others. So, enjoy the read and enter the mind of Tiffany “The Girl Who Didn’t like it Doggie Style”.
I’m sure we’ve all been with people in our checkered dating past or present that have had issues (good, bad, mundane, or freaky) about some sexual act. It can be something as mundane as closing all the blinds, locking the doors, and turning off the lights before having sex, to something as super freaky as having a soft bristle hair brush firmly not harshly brushed over your scrotum and genital area leaving you with a feeling of…. never mind. The point being that each person is different and while you might find some things being the same, each will have their own twist. Then you have the people who are against certain things because of whatever reason, they just have a mental block. This brings us to our girl Tiffany.
Tiffany was a 27 year old woman when I heard about her from her guy she was dating who happened to be one of my one time friends (meaning he ain’t a friend no more). He told me this story over beers one night saying, “Untan, dude…. Tiffany don’t like to do it Doggie style”. (On a side note this fucker would say it was a wee bit of a personal matter about who he was gonna vote for in an upcoming election if you asked, yet his latest conquest of the panties was all access to the friend media.) Being slightly drunk and the ever curious masochist, I stammered “whatever do you mean?” He then went on to tell me the tale of how when they were doing the naughty (I shit you not he said naughty), that he could never get her to try Doggie style. Ok, I’m sure most of you know what Doggie style is and so I will not go into it, but suffice it to say it’s a pretty standard sexual position. He said “man I’ve tried everything I can do to get her to try it, but she just won’t do it and dude it’s like my favorite.” I said “well is everything else good?” He replied “everything else is great but I just want it Doggie.” (Another side note, I wasn’t getting any at this time which is typically not a time but a way of life for me, and so someone complaining about the flavor of water they are drinking when I’ve not had a drop in a looooooong while kinda gets me pissed...anyway.) I said, “man don’t worry about it because if everything else is cool, then why worry about just one thing because it isn’t like she’s anti-blowjob.” This was supposed to get a chuckle of "ya it could be worse", but this guy just shook his head and mumbled and kept drinking.
This conversation did nothing to quiet the “No Doggie Style Demon” that plagued his ungrateful dumb ass mind. Thus, a few months later he of course dumped Tiffany whom we, his one time friends that got to know her all thought she was great and it was just his Seinfeld-esque standards that hardly any woman could live up too that ended it. I remember the next time I saw him at a party I said “dude, why did you dump Tiffany,” and he said “well man, I talked to her and she said something she saw when she was a kid just scarred her to Doggie Style but she wouldn’t say what.” Scanning the room for his next victim, this intelligence vacuum ended the talk of Tiffany with, “so I dumped her ass because I’m not going to deny myself what I need.” Later on most of us that knew him all would testify we didn’t and if there was photographic evidence to prove otherwise we’d claim we were slipped the date rape drug and forced into his orbit of slime.
So, I’ll end with this thought, and speculation on Tiffany. Some people do as Tiffany, and what they do is have their thing about sex and it could be something else as well unrelated to sex. Like I will not eat a Denver omelet in the morning after drinking all night the night prior and none of you need to know why, it just is what it is. Tiffany didn’t want to do one position out of numerous positions one can take during the bumping of uglies and that’s fine. God, there could be so many awful reasons why she didn’t want too do such an act, and why push it if everything else is great. I heard again from Tiffany sources that it wasn’t something really bad just something as he stated she told him that she saw as a kid, and so at least it wasn’t something horrible. So, this leads my mind to wonder what it could be, because I have insomnia and I think about all sorts of things during a night with nothing on TV. Anyway… Maybe it was something like this…Maybe young Tiffany was starting school and had gotten ready with her brother and sister on that treasured memory laden day, and such a treasured memory was caught on camera with Mr. Barky Von Schnauzer consoling himself of the loss of his playmate during the day to school by pooning ‘Doggie Style’ the neighbor’s bitch. Thus framing in a photo a tortured visage of Tiffany contorted in terror like the painting "The Scream". A memory forever trapped in her minds subconscious along with a whacky mom’s idea of funny in a photo album, and the reason that no one ever really knew for sure why Tiffany wouldn’t do Doggie style.
**Again this is not based on any one person or true event, but rather a cautionary tale from Dangerously Untan.**

Shitty 1980's Hair Metal and other bastard Metal children. Introducing Man 'o' War or as I call them Man 'o' Whoa...

2007-12-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or do you get the feeling these guys form a group of bad-metal-mother fuckers... standing there with their clinched fist showing anger and power, or could it be their leathers all in different colors and styles showing their fierce individualism? Who knows and who cares.... these guys blew and everyone knew it (alas some didn't get the memo). Nirvana and Pearl Jam were the flush of the toilet we all needed to send these turds packing down the sewer with rest of their uber tough posing bitches. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD)Here's a news flash... these ass hats are still making music!!! That's right, you read me right. Like we weren't full of their shit they were serving up with album titles such as..."All Men Play Ten," "Sign of the Hammer," or the album where they dubbed themselves "King of Metal". God almighty where is the justice? Kurt Cobain commits suicide and these floaters are releasing albums even in 2006 called... I shit thee not "Sons of Odin". Sure I'd burn a candle if these guys committed suicide... to get rid of the smell of shit they left behind. You might think this these dead from the neck up musicians were from some European country, like say Germany. Nay... they are from America... Auburn, New York of all places. Ready for this??? These cod pieces have fans, "where oh Untan do they find fans," you may ask... Well where else... Germany and other tone deaf and tasteless European countries. Yes, from the land of sauerkraut (pickled shredded cabbage), and horse sauage showing how they lack taste buds and just taste in general. We have people who make bands like this and guys like this a star.
Ok in total fairness I have German friends who can't understand the "Hoff's" popularity either, and don't like horse sauage or pickled cabbage. So, my brothers in Germany wonder why their fellow country men like to be America's dumping ground or outhouse for shitty music as well. Seems Man 'o' Wanker give poor souls free t-shirts that can't be bought anywhere else if a fan comes in from another country other than the current country they are playing in "WHAT A TREASURE".
I went ahead and put up one of their cliche riddled videos... notice during the video they run into the cops, and Johnny Law turns these metal rockers clad in leather away from their town to raid some other unsuspecting TCBY. God knows with these raiders of metal (vomit) rock on the lose no Carvel is safe... I bet these fucks demand one more scoop on their two scooper's for free...THOSE BASTARDS!!! Ok, I've not included a link to their page because honestly it might show them some sorta support. If you want a good laugh just Google these clowns, and look at what we could have been stuck with if the Seattle scene had never happened. Now, if you'll excuse me since I've binged on fart knocker metal I need to go purge.

Heaven isn't to far away...Closer to it everyday...And no matter what ya friends might say... we'll find our way

2007-12-13T04:38:00.000-05:00

Be the words from a late 80's prophets they sang this quatrain, that truly shitty hair metal band known as Warrant...

Just the other day during my travels I think I found the subdivision I want to move to once I find myself less residentially challenged. Forget about your swimming pool and tennis court gated communities. I want the name of the subdivision not to be a description of what they paved and plowed over to make the cookie cutter lots. Nay, I want my subdivision to say just what I’m thinking some days… cause I keeps it real like that… introducing my future subdivision.

Imagine my surprise, when I pulled off into the local mall or modern day temples to the consumer gods that I saw this. “What did you see Untan,” you might find yourself asking, and I’ll tell ya. I found a store offering something that I thought was illegal to sell and not only that but at 50% off, bitches. Granted it is the larger variety they are selling but at 50% off you can deal with the queef, or cooter pooter as we say in the country. "Where is this Xanadu, Shangri La, or Briggadune," you might find yourself saying breathless with anticipation... "Oh, PLEASE, Untan even though we be unworthy of Eden tell us the location of that which you have found," would come your pleas cause I knows you be wonderin. Well, Untan does hear your laments from on high and will tell you my children where to find this place of milk and honey...it’s in Cumming, (oh it's a real place) Georgia, of course.

The Glorious Mullet and the evidence of its world domination

2007-12-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

Who knew that when I was rocking the poodle mullet in high school that slowly my "Band of the Quaff" was spreading and taking over the world. Listed below are the names the mighty hairstyle goes by... kinda like how there is a word in each language for God and the Devil, so too are names for the mullet...coincident??? I think not.

The Argentinian term is Cubana, in reference to the alleged popularity of the haircut among Cubans, and also called "Colectivero" in reference to public bus drivers.

The Brazilian term is Chitãozinho e Xororó, in reference to the singers who started using this haircut in Brazil.

The English Canadian term is "hockey-hair" in reference to the haircut's popularity among ice hockey players.

The French Québécois Montréal term is "coupe Longueuil" (Longueuil haircut) in reference to the Montréal suburb of Longueuil.

The English Québécois term is "pad" because the hair falling flat on the back looks like a pad. The person wearing it is often called a "paddé".
One Australian nickname for a mulleteur is "Freddie Firedrill", supposedly because the subject's haircut was interrupted by a fire-alarm sounding after the barber had finished shaving the front, but before s/he had started on the back of the head.

The Chamoru or Guam term is chad haircut, a reference to its popularity among most "chads" or local Guamanians' version of a "trailer-park person."

The Chilean term is chocopanda, chocola or just "choco", in reference to the ubiquitous public transportation Chocolito Panda ice-cream sellers sporting such a haircut. It is also called a "Zamorano", after Iván Zamorano or "Pichanguera" or just "Changa"("pichanga" is an informal soccer match in Chilean slang), because of the great number of soccer players who use this haircut. This haircut is also popular among the lower classes and gangs. Lately, it is used by the pokemones subculture.

The Colombian term is Siete (seven) because the hair on top and back form the image of a number seven. Also known as Paisa due to its popularity in the northwestern region.("paisas" is a name for Colombians from that region.)

The Croatian term is fudbalerka, literally "footballer (hair)", a reference to its popularity among soccer players in the 1980s.

The Czech terms include čolek (which means "newt"), deka (means quilt) or na debila (means asshole-style)

The Danish term is Bundesliga-hår, which refers to its alleged popularity among Bundesliga soccer players, or alternatively, svenskerhår (Swede-hair), referring to its former popularity in Sweden. For the same reason, it is also called hockeyhår (hockey hair), because of the large amount of Swedes who can be seen on the ice rink sporting a mullet. It is also called nakkegarn, meaning "yarn by the back of the neck".

The Dutch term is matje, which means "little carpet/mat". Some people refer to it as a Duitse mat (German mat) as well, implying that this is a haircut typical for Germans. It is also referred to in Rotterdam and some other areas as "nekspoiler" (neck spoiler, as in car spoiler). Typical for Flemish areas is "nektapijt" (neck carpet).

Other North American English terms are Missouri Compromise, Tennessee Waterfall, Hockey Hair, Beaver Tail, Beaver Paddle, Ape Drape, El Camino, Canadian Passport, Yep-Nope, Soccer Rocker, Achy-breaky-bad-mistakey, Mud Flap, Neck Warmer, Camaro Cut.

The Finnish term is takatukka, which means "rear hair". Sometimes lätkätukka or tsekkitukka is also used, which means "ice hockey haircut" in reference to the Swedish term. Tsekkitukka means "Czech hair", based on Czech hockey players' hairstyle (especially Jaromir Jagr). Mullets are a well known and still popular "hockeyhair" in Czech Republic.

The French term is "Coupe à la Waddle", referring to Chris Waddle, the English football player who adopted this haircut in the 1980s while he played for Olympique Marseille. It can also be referred as "nuque longue" because of the long hair covering the back of the neck ("nuque" in French).

The German term is "Vokuhila", meaning "vorne kurz, hinten lang" (short in the front, long in the back). The opposite to this is "Volahiku". It is topped by "Vokuhilaoliba", meaning "vorne kurz, hinten lang, Oberlippenbart" (short in the front, long in the back, moustache). Because of its supposed popularity among men from the Eastern parts of formerly divided Germany, the hair cut is in Western Germany also known as "Ossispoiler" ("Eastern German spoiler, as in a car spoiler").
Austria has a number of terms, for example "Nackenmatte" ("nape rug") (also used in South Germany). DerStandard.at has a nice list here.

The Greek term is "Χαίτη" (Hety) or "Λασπωτήρας" (Laspotiras) which means "Mudflap".

The Hebrew term is vilon, which means "curtain". Another common term is "Eli Ohana" haircut, named after a famous football player who wore this haircut.

The Hungarian term is also Bundesliga or just simply footballist (soccer player) hair, "focistafrizura".

The Icelandic term is Hebbi, referring to a nickname of an Icelandic singer called Herbert Guðmundsson sporting the hairstyle, or sítt að aftan (long in the back).

The Italian term is "capelli alla tedesca" (hair at German style) or "taglio alla tedesca" (haircut at German style) referring to its former popularity in Germany, above all among Bundesliga soccer players. It is also known as "alla MacGyver" (at MacGyver style) as the main character of this the popular American TV series appears with mullet in some episodes, or as "sette" (seven) because the hair on top and back form the image of a number seven, but also "pitta". This haircut is also very popular among people who listen and dance house music, especially in Rome and Milan. House people in Italy usually show middle-length hair on the top (often spiked up), short hair at the sides (sometimes totally shaved) and very long hair at the back of the head (most of the time they smooth the back hair downwards).

The Japanese term is urufu hea which is the Japanese way of saying "wolf hair." It's actually a quite popular look among young men, though the hair in the front is generally longer than a typical mullet's.

The Macedonian term is "џигерица" [dzigerica], meaning the "liver haircut".

The Mexican term is "buki" haircut because the Mexican band Los Bukis are known to have used this hairstyle.

The Norwegian term is "hockeysveis" or "hockeyteppe", meaning "hockey hairstyle" and "hockey blanket", referring to the hairstyle's popularity among ice hockey players.

The Puerto Rican term is "playero" which translates as "beach comber" or "beach style" because of its stereotypical use by surfers.

The Portuguese terms are: XF which comes from a motorcycle model from Zundapp, or Deixe Ficar which is short for deixe ficar atrás. That's what you say to your hairdresser when you want him not to cut the hair on the back of your head. One other is semi reboque, which means a big truck trailer.

The Polish term is "Czeski piłkarz" - meaning "Czech football player" as in the 1970s the haircut was greatly popular among Czech footballers.

The Romanian term is chicǎ, which means "long hair at the neck". This haircut is associated with redneck-like people and is socially associated with the lack of sophistication or culture.

The Russian term is Dima Bilan, named after The Russian Pop Singer.[5]

The Serbian term is "Tarzanka", referring to Tarzan the Ape Man.

Another Serbian term is "Krčedinka", in reference to the alleged popularity of the haircut in the village of Krčedin.

The Slovenian term is also Bundesliga or simply metlica, which translates to "a small broom".

The Bosnian term for a mullet is "fudbolerka", indicating the mullet's former popularity with soccer players.

The Swedish term is hockeyfrilla, which means "ice hockey haircut" in reference to its popularity among some hockey players. The music group De lyckliga kompisarna wrote a song with this name, that was played extensively on radio in the early 90s.

The Turkish term is aslan yelesi, Fikirtepe modeli or kaleci saçı, which means "lion's mane", "Fikirtepe" (a suburb of Istanbul where this style was popular among shuttle drivers) style" and "goalkeeper's hair" respectively.

The Sanskrit "sikha" ("crest" or "top-knot") that a Hindu Vaishnava devotee wears can be mistaken for a mullet if long and bushy enough. Western devotees sometimes pass off their sikhas as mullets when inquired by outsiders.

The South African term is "Benoni Special" referring to the prevalence of the hairstyle in that area of the country.

The mullet style haircut in recent years has become very common in both special needs men and women.

Chevelle "Vena Sera"

2007-12-11T03:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, roll down the windows and crank up the volume on your car stereo, because the world around the road your traveling needs to hear this one. I’m talking about the newest offering from Chevelle, that was released in April of 2007. Now, you might think I’m behind the curve on reviewing this album, but as I’ve told others I don’t give an opinion before I listen to an album. Comments on a band’s new album on the listen of two or three industry released single before it’s released to the public, or reviewing an album via word of mouth or from a few snippets you’ve heard from the radio isn’t my style.
I’m not some industry insider or any bullshit like that, but I am a fan of good music in whatever form it takes. I don’t get albums ahead of release dates unless I hear from one of my pirate friends, and so I review them once I get them and give them a complete listen or three. Chevelle isn’t a new band to me because I already own three of their past offerings which if I’m not mistaken is all they have to offer except for a live album, but I’m a fan of very few (like one or two) live albums. Saying I own any band's album is big, and owning more than three means they must be doing something right. This brings me to Chevelle’s newest album called “Vena Sera”. Oh, and just because I own a band’s catalog of albums to date doesn’t mean they get a free pass from me and I just automatically pick up their newest offering. I give each album from any band a fair listen and if an album sucks no matter if I own ten of their previous works it matters not, and rip or rave depending on what I get.
Ok, first track is a keeper, “Antisaint” is just damn good rock. The vocals are tight and aren’t over powered by the instruments and the vocals mix well with the instruments level. You got to admit once you hear this first track that the trio from Chicago have gotten to a point few bands get too, and that’s the point where they are mastering if not mastered their craft and their own sound. The lyrics while not profound are not nonsensical and meaningless either, but just good head rocking rock. Seriously music can be serious with social commentary or life commentary and it can be loose and almost goofy. The shades of gray between that black and white ends of the spectrum are where music and bands that make it find themselves. Chevelle does a good brand of rock which one can really enjoy without being preachy or too tragic which is what some bands fall into (hello preachy System of a Down and tragic Staid). “Saferwaters” track three on the album is a good tempo change from the first two tracks which rock with more cock out than this song which gives you a breather. Then you’re smacked in the face to harsh your mellow with a great rock scream announcing track four “Well Enough Alone,” which is simple in the meaning of just leaving well enough alone but tinged with the frustration of when that well enough isn’t left alone. This track is really musically densely crafted as well with different musical elements thrown in the mix that really seem to work for me. “Humanoid” track seven starts off like a throw back to a chunky Sabbath style opening, and comes around to one of the band’s major influences which is a little band called Tool and then morphs into the Chevelle style of music. The album’s second to last track called “I Get It”, shows how the band really does get it. It’s just a great track that doesn’t sound like the paint by numbers groups that are out there now (like Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, or YellowCard). The sound is refreshing and truly Chevelle’s sound.
See, there’s a huge thing I’ve found on Chevelle’s fourth album “Vena Sera”, and that is the Chevelle sound. So many have knocked this band as being a cheaper version of Tool and you’d have to be deaf not to hear the heavy influence Tool has on Chevelle’s sound, but isn’t that what great bands are supposed to do? The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Sex Pistols, and Nirvana all influenced bands out there doing their own thing. So, why shouldn’t bands like Tool and its contemporaries of the same caliber have their influence not being seen in newer era bands? I personally believe it’s my generations want to remain young and not realize we are getting older and the bands we discovered in high school are now inspiring and influencing this generations bands that are out now. Sure Tool is still out there rocking the house to the ground and giving experiences in sound (cause you can’t just call a Tool show a concert anymore, cause that would be saying a meeting with the Pope is just some Priest saying hello). It doesn’t mean that someone else can’t hear that sound and say I hear myself in that style as well and I think I can add to that style with my own brand or take. Sure some bands stray to close to their influences and get pigeon holed as copy cats and easily forgotten because who among us has paid any attention to Earshot which was supposedly another one of the Tool-sound-alike bands. If any of you have heard anything they’ve done recently (if they still are a band) or remember a song they did sing then let me know because I don’t. No, Chevelle does sound like a band cut in the style of their influence which is Tool, but they definitely have a sound all their own that you can pick up on and that is a mark of a great band. In my opinion while not on the same caliber as Smashing Pumpkins, Chevelle can now be counted as part of the great bands that have come out of the Chicago area.
So, go out and buy the album “Vena Sera” if you are a Chevelle fan, and even if you aren’t give this album a full listen and not depend on industry A&R released singles to make up your mind on a band. Chevelle has done what I call a mid-career album which solidifies their sound with a strong album of Chevelle music that doesn’t let you down by giving the listener numerous tracks to listen and like. Chevelle’s next album should be huge in sound, song, and scope because they’ve defined themselves and now it’s time for them to expand upon what they are as a band while remaining true to their honed identity. If someone tells you Chevelle ain’t shit but a Tool rip off band then they are just trying to sound cool, because with that logic you could say Nirvana was a Sex Pistols rip off and should have been ignored. Beware people who make sweeping statements about bands being rip offs without having something to qualify a statement like that, because those are the type that might have a Panic! At the Disco album or think Creed really rocked. Do yourself a favor people if you like rock that is just plain good check out Chevelle’s new album “Vena Sera”, because “I Get It,” as their song would say and what I get is that they are some quality listening.
LINKS FOR CHEVELLE
Chevelle's spot on the all knowing and growing swamp called myspace.
Chevelle's very own web page.
** I will not be providing links to ways and places to illegally download a band's music because if you are a smart cookie you already know a place or person(like the Untan one)to get music, but I will provide links to places where you can give a band a really good listen. Then you can go buy the album or not but at least you're informed.**
Below are a sample of a few of the tracks from Chevelle's new album "Vena Sera". Enjoy the listen while these links work.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, it's a celebration.... NOT REALLY

2007-12-10T01:20:00.001-05:00

Just last week I over heard a conversation at the restaurant I was at between a group of women. I wasn’t eavesdropping but as you all know with groups there is always going to be a loud one or two. Well, this particular day the loud one started telling a story about a concert she had recently seen by, My Chemical Romance. First off, I think this band totally sucks in so many different ways, but as in every thing such as this, it’s a matter of taste. The fact someone went to their concert wasn’t the reason I was writing this blog, and the fact that she stated she was 32 isn't the reason either. Ok, I know people who are 32 could like My Chemical Romance, because Nickelback is still floating around because some people have no taste but that’s still not why I’m writing this blog. She said at first she was “kinda feeling uncomfortable because she felt like the oldest person there," but in fact wasn’t. She saw others her age, although those people her age were with their kids. That says something right there and it made me wonder are there some bands that certain people shouldn’t go see because of age, and that my friends is why I’m writing the blog.
If I take my age (33) and think “is it alright for me to like Avril Lavigne”, well sure I can like her music because anyone can.

*URGENT DISCLAIMER* I do not like Avril Lavigne’s music and find it hard not to run my head into a wall if I’m trapped in a place that’s playing it, and in the aforementioned sentence I only say I like her music for demonstration purposes only…. You may now resume your blog reading**

Could you go and buy her music at a store or online?... Of course
Could you go and buy a ticket to her concert if she came to a town near you?... Sure why not
This all being said would you stick out like a sore thumb? YES… The crowd at her show would be at least 10 years younger than you (if you were my age), and if you went and if by chance there were some there your age (in the few that you’d number), then they would be with A. their kids being a chaperon and hating life, or B. have a really shitty taste in music in my opinion. There is no argument that people have a right to go and enjoy music of any varieties… hell some people like Bright Eyes, but they dwell in a fantasy land and speak Esperanto.
The thing is… would they stick out, and yes they would. It is almost like saying enjoy the music but only go to age appropriate concerts. Sure, that is really subjective to everyone about what concerts should certain aged people show up at. See, a kid of 12 to 15 at an Oldies concert and folks think “aw they like the classics”. Have someone as old as me show to see Hannah Montana and people think “holy shit, it’s a pedophile.” As long as you keep your dick in your pants and don’t try to touch kids then you have every right to be at the Hannah Montana show. You start dancing and holding your hands in the air singing the lyrics word for word, then you no longer are a fan but just someone seriously sad who didn’t get the memo that at certain times it’s just for the young to act foolish.
Did the woman who was 32 make a mistake going to the My Chemical Romance concert? Yes, and not because of age but she did and for the reason I will state now. She said to her friends that she didn’t care she was one of the oldest at the show (which is good), but she said she showed those kids how to rock out (which was so very wrong). People it seems sometimes have a tendency in stressful or awkward situations to make themselves even more the obvious stand-out. Hell, if people were going to watch you because you’re older thinking you're out of place, then you are really going to act the ass and stand out if you “SHOW them” how to rock out (old school style rock out I’m sure). This shows you that once you feel uncomfortable at a concert or live gig that you really should think twice about going to another one. Kind of like those commercials that they were showing about people discovering music and going into places they had no business being in and getting in trouble for it. I’ll never forget the one commercial I saw that had the lil Asian guy walking into a leather S&M bar, because he really liked the techno house music he heard from the street. It later shows him strapped turning on a Wheel of Pain, with a mistress warming up a Cat-o-Nine-tails to punish him for trespassing as he screamed behind a ball gag. The commercial went on to say there are easier ways to experience new music. Well, they are right there are better ways to experience music than going to places that could be a little dicey.
So, with all this being said, just make sure you are doing the right thing when you go for certain music and decide to see that music in its natural habitat or go to a concert. For instance Mastodon ain’t gonna be featured in Tiger Beat Magazine but Panic! At the Disco would. So, if you’re a 33 year old tattooed metal head from the early 90’s, which show do you think would be the best choice to go see and which one do you think you should experience in the comfort of your own home or vehicle??? Some of you might not know the answer to that, but let me leave you with this picture below to help you figure it out, and chose wisely people.
(Notice the majority of Panic! At the Disco fans, and then Mr. Free Baller keepin it real with a bit of sack trying to escape, and think who belongs there and who doesn't. Sure they all have a right to be there but just because you have the right don't mean you should exercise it.)

Check the box that applies to you... Nougat Filled (CHECK)

2007-12-08T04:06:00.000-05:00

In these times we find ourselves so divisive. Whose race is better? White, Black, Red, Yellow, Tan, or Pale with spots of dark pink during times of duress. Whose religion is going to get you to heaven? Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhism, Hinduism, or that cult I started where it’s ladies night every night. As you can see there are so many different ways we divide ourselves, that when we break it on down to hair color it starts getting ridiculous. I myself was raised in a household that ascribed to one of the 32 flavors of Christianity, and my skin color just happened to be pale with spots of dark pink during times of duress, but just because of those boxes I check on standardized forms did it put the slant on my world view as well? Sure, I’d like to say it didn’t but I’m not going to kid myself and say I keep it real like an inner city black man that belongs to the Nation of Islam. The truth is I do see the world in a different way, but the key is I can also understand that others see it in their way, but neither one of us are wrong until our views impede on the freedoms and right to pursue happiness of others.
This brings me to the biggest line to ever be drawn in the sand and that line is hair color. If I’m wearing a suit and have a briefcase with a cross pin on my lapel no one will give a shit if my hair is neon pink, because the hair color is my sign and to the world it says “FREAK”. Sure if it’s a young child under the age of 10 then it’s just a goofy kid being all whacky. The other get-out-of-jail-free card for this is, say a school principle or coach dyeing their hair as a joke or to match school colors because the band has sold 10,000 dollars worth of candy bars or the team has beat the cross town rivals. If you decide to dye your hair and the color on the box has “neon” any color, and it’s not some zany joke, but because it shows your rocking spirit; I’m sorry you’re a freak. This isn’t my rules it is the rules society has set up, and I’m in no way saying they are right. Hell, I could care less what anyone does with their hair except for my lady which I enjoy having a rich luxurious mane, but even I know I don’t got too much say in the matter.
You might want to disagree with me saying “NO, Untan... there are bigger issues than hair in the world”, and I would agree with you. Then if you were a woman I’d say if I could cure a sick kid in Africa that you’d never meet by shaving your head for life, would you do it and I bet a “Hell naw” would ring out. Sure you’ll go to some god forsaken third world shit hole with your church mission group and paint a house or two and help build a new hut that will be blown down by the next hurricane or regime change military cue, but alter your person and that’s a wee more than you’re willing to do. I’ve seen grown women weep because 2 inches more of their hair was cut than they wanted and it ruined their entire 3 months till it grew back. Yet, show a Latin kid needing help and you’ll hear them say “Damn Mexicans are ruining everything”, yet he’s from Costa Rica.
Now don’t think I’m just bashing women on this because if men weren’t vain ego basket cases about their hair, there wouldn’t be any “Just for Men” hair color commercials or the multi-billion dollar industry to reverse the signs of balding. Seems men sometimes see their hair like their cock, because if they are lacking in either you just might see a sports car in the garage and or the drive-way.
My point is that there are such huge issues that divide us as culture and as a race (human race assholes), that something as little as hair color or anything hair shouldn’t define us or make us. Sure blondes might have more fun. Sure redheads might be red on the head fire in the hole or have a fiery disposition. Sure brunettes might be the best lay you ever had because of a guilt complex for not being born blonde or redheaded, but that isn’t the point. The point is we all have our things that we group ourselves under and exclude others from, and if we took away one of those things we’d find something else to pick at. It seems for so long we’ve been trying to celebrate being so different from each other we forgot what make us the same. So, blondes may have more fun, but as the picture clearly shows brunettes are more fun to have.

A gift idea for the man who has everything...

2007-12-07T00:52:00.000-05:00

Ah, the Holidays where tempers flame up just as hot as the Yule log you got burning. A time when not only are you roasting chestnuts but also getting your nuts busted by those you call family. This is a confusing time of year for some people. Not only are loved ones faced with where to have holiday family get-togethers, but people are faced with gift buying etiquette (should I buy Uncle Bob a gift even though Uncle Bob is a douche and never gives no one anything). Sell that bullshit to the tourist, about "it's more about giving than recieving" after you've been stiffed for the fifth year in a row from the rich relative who you always remember, but they always seem to forget you unless they have a coupon for bullshit. Another hard thing about gift giving is what you get someone on your list that has amassed consumer goods and a lot of the easy gift buying ideas like CD’s and DVD’s.
Well for those of you out there clueless on what to get me for Christmas. I finally have a gift idea for you.

You got it bitches, the MacGyver multi-tool… Why, yes the godfather of mullets himself has the answer you’ve been looking for. How many times during the late 80’s did we not see this bastard blow up a bad guy's base with bubble gum and chest hair, or diffuse a nuclear bomb with one of these bad boys. Hell, I remember some kids really did make a bomb from an episode of MacGyver they saw. Which begs a couple of questions… one, how lame were they to be paying that much attention to MacGyver and two, who knew household Drano could do that?
So I hope this helps those out there looking for me this Yuletide season. I know I’m hard to shop for but now you have a hint for something I want so it should be no problem.
I can’t wait to get one of these bitches because I’m gonna use it to bust into an ATM machine at my local convenience store and make my get away with a cigarette lighter and two packs of Hubba Bubba chewing gum. First the local Golden Pantry…. Next… the world.

I don't knows nothing bout birthing no blog... Miss Scarlet...

2007-12-06T01:20:00.000-05:00

Hello, and welcome to my little home on the internet. Picture this moment like Mr. Rogers (rest his soul) walking in singing "Hello" to all his new neighbors out there in TV land. Why right now I'm taking off my shoes and sport coat from my morning at the office. Although I'm taking it a bit further than Mr. Rogers, because right now I'm taking off my pants. Yes, and I'm putting back on the ratty gym shorts I slept in, because the ratty gym shorts I left laying on the floor are much more comfy. Thank whatever god you pray too that what I just did wasn't televised...scrotus interruptus... spooky thing.
Let me also state that I have a wicked pisser case of the flu. Unfortunately yours truly Dangerously Untan must have pissed on Indian burial ground one drunken night because I was afflicted with something that made me look like the anger zombies from 28 Days Later and the just as spooky/rattling 28 Weeks Later. While I sit here and wonder just how much snot can the human body produce. It makes it hard to want to think beyond "will I ever know comfort again". So, I will soon get to regular postings as soon as the demon known as flu is exercised from my body by the witch doctor's prescription of holy voodoo from the Wal-Mart Pharmacy.