Death Cab for Cutie "Narrow Stairs" (Hey I got a band for ya... Hurt Locker for Lovely and my new album is mediocre as well)

Death Cab for Cutie....
This name of a band which makes you sorta cringe because it seems so filled with indie pretentiousness to hang a name around your bands collective neck like that, and being from Athens, Georgia I've heard my share of indie darling band names. What's in a name you might ask well sometimes a name can be associated with bad memories like nights seeing the band named Neutral Milk Hotel or Olivia Tremor Control, and wishing you'd stayed at some cheap boozer (which Athens Ga. has plenty)pounding beers for Jesus in the heart of the Bible Belt.
Although let it never be said I will not give something a listen if albeit not holding a facial expression like I know something stinking is about to assault my nose. So, it brings me back to the first time I gave Death Cab for Cutie a listen, and their offering I gave a good listen was the album Plans released in 2005 which I did like and it had a few good tunes that I enjoyed listening to like "Soul Meets Body", and "Summer Skin". I bought the album and thus my microscope came out and I needed to hear more of their catalog. I listened to every album from Something About Airplanes released in 1998 to Transatlanticism the album released in 2003 prior to Plans. The band had a distinctive sound that I found myself enjoying. The music wasn't in your face and the lyrics were fairly poetic if not a big cliche at times, but after time all sentiments get cliche to someone at some point.
Being that I had gone through all their studio albums and liked what I heard I was really looking forward their newest release Narrow Stairs which came out in May of 2008. Like most I did like their single "I Will Possess Your Heart", but I didn't really hear any other song on the album that really just stood out to me, and found myself getting kinda tired of hearing songs about love forlorn women who have issues and the guys they date with issues. I found myself thinking the album was just mediocre at best which honestly not all bands can knock it out of the park with every release. Songs like "Talking Bird" were depressing not because of the lyrics but just because it was a dead horse subject they as a band couldn't stop beating, along with "You Can Do Better Than Me" which made me want to say "hey it could be her fault for being an emotional cripple". The band just made me think they were just a bunch of low self esteem please love me pussies, and the only way you'd get laid to this music is from a pity fuck.
Hence I'm torn, because I do like Death Cab for Cutie they just made an album that seemed like they were phoning it in and seemed to say "Ok, lets do the same thing we've done on each album on this one too". So, if you are a fan of Death Cab for Cutie you should get this album because when you give it a listen you'll say "ya that's Death Cab for Cutie alright", but be left underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed which honestly after listening to their lyrics seems to be how you could describe the song writer's love life "Underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed".
Death Cab for Cutie has made its way into a category which is good background music. Music you really don't pay much attention too but hear a song or two that make you say "oh I like this one" but tune out the rest of the songs. So, on those Sundays when nothing is going on and you're not going out and you just want some music that isn't going make you think or assault your senses then put on Death Cab for Cutie. I bet you'll just sit around and relax and maybe take a nap, which in a way is like a dark cloudy sky on a birthday morning. Wow, I just typed out a Death Cab for Cutie metaphor don't I feel like a college freshman girl who's love life is just sooooo tragic and complicated..... like where is my poetry journal I so need to scribe these emotions and then blog about it thus broadcasting my blandness.

Preview Death Cab for Cutie at the following:

Death Cab for Cutie's official website
Death Cab for Cutie on myspace

What a lovely internet blogging vacation

Soooooooooo..... I've had a long lay off from blogging or anything else for that matter. I know all were just shitting themselves in fear of losing my witty typings.... yes even I didn't miss me, but I'm back to typing "me thoughts". I'm also supporting a new venture known as "Velvet Devil" or "VD" for short. So, yes kiddies I support VD.
So, in the up-coming days and weeks I plan on putting down some shite for all to read and ponder. I will be fueled by numerous diet beverages... whilst sitting in my Superman shorts that hide my shameful Clark Kent dick from the world. Know that I love you all in the hands off internet style that makes a "one-night-drunken-honkey-tonk-stand" seem meaningful and life enriching.

Weezer "Weezer" 2008 other wise known as "The Red Album" (Spark one up and smoke, choke, and wheez to some damn good rock)

Weezer… How do I come at this band in a review? I will say this that their newest album which is their sixth and third self titled album known as “The Red Album” unofficially is one of their best. Personally I have only one album by Weezer in my collection and that’s “The Blue Album” which happens to be their first album. Sure I loved Pinkerton their second offering but never bought it and I’m not entirely sure why other than 1996 and 1997 were a couple of years I don’t remember all that well.
Evidently they were some years that affected Rivers Cuomo in a different kind of way as well. He and the rest of the band called it quits for a couple of years and Cuomo himself went into a self-admitted depression. The band never officially broke-up but went on “hiatus” and weren’t to be seen again as the original line-up ever again with Matt Sharp (bass & backing vocals) being the first to not rejoin the band when thoughts of getting back together started being worked on in 1998. Eventually all concerned worked on their own personal shit along with being creative assholes who decided to finally get over themselves.
What we got was the third Weezer album which was self titled and known as “The Green Album”, and while it was ok it wasn’t a quality release. You could hear they had rust on their song writing and music that had to be sanded off. I mean honestly a song like “Hash Pipe” should be a song sung by kids in high school or fresh out. I can understand that this album while a big seller was rusty and not so great being it was the first after a self imposed 3 year break.
Their third album Maladroit was a harder edged album and one I kind of like better than “The Green Album”, but just happened to be their lowest selling album to date. I love “Death and Destruction”, “Dope Nose”, and “Take Control” from the Maladroit album. This album went into their next studio album offering called “Make Believe”, and I almost hate this album for the one single “Beverly Hills” because it got killed on the radio and MTV. The sad thing is that with the MP3 generation that just buy singles and not albums they miss songs that are deeper cuts like “The Damage in Your Heart”, and “This Is Such a Pity” that could be off any album by The Killers. The album “Make Believe” had Weezer back at their A-game status with a collection of great songs even if “Beverly Hills” did get killed on the radio for me.
This brings us to Weezer’s newest album and their third one which is self titled known as “The Red Album”, and let me just say this album is great. Seriously people, after two listens I found myself trying to sing to a couple of the songs and that is huge. The first song on the album called “Troublemaker” is great and when he sings “how’s this for arts and crafts” and goes into a riff then shouting with the band “That’s Right!” is kind of like saying in your face. “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”, is the second song and is great how it seems to be a commentary on ego and how some buy into it fully and how others just lampoon it with lyrics “try to play it cool like you just don’t care but soon I’ll be playing in your underwear… I’m like the mage with the magic spell” which cast one on you that makes you laugh. Yes, I said “lampoon”. The forth song on the album called “Heart Songs” is a song that just speaks to you, because we all have a soundtrack in our mind for events past and present. This soundtrack is one we are not ashamed to sing along with once we hear a song from those times we remember with fondness or with a wince. The fifth song on the album “Everybody Get Dangerous” is a song for guys who were bored and put their energies in outlets that could have led to things no so great. The rest of the songs on the album are just as good as the first five on the album and I just enjoy listening to this album over and over. I think if you ever liked a Weezer song you should check out this album and if this is a sign of the future for Weezer then I hope they go beyond the primary colors and give us more music like this. So, spark up your hash pipe and smoke, choke, and wheez along with Weezer’s new self titled album “The Red Album”, and maybe one of them might be one of your “heart songs that never feel wrong”.

Preview Weezer's music at these two places online.
Weezer's Official Website
Listen to Weezer on their Myspace page

Alicia Keys "As I Am" (Thank God You Aren't "As You Were")

I gotta say I’m a purist when it comes to soul and R&B, and being I grew up just down the road from Atlanta, Georgia I gots da street creds to be makin a step-up like dat. This brings me to the album I’m reviewing by Miss. Alicia Keys called “As I am”, and yes I do know I’m a year behind on talking about this album but hey I speak about them once I’ve given them a listen, so deal wit it ya heard.
Now being that I don’t really get much into the newer R&B and soul and feel most who dabble in it now have little of no idea of what they are doing. I will also say that I listen to more rock than any other genre, and so for me to notice “As I am” from Alicia Keys was big to say the least. The album as a whole is a really good listen. I would even buy this album in stores and will in the future. Her debut album “Music in A Minor” was a critical success along with a fan success as well. The single “Fallin” from her first album was a good change of pace from what was out there these days but as all popular songs sometimes it got played to death on the radio. So, in my case at least I hated to hear it come on the radio after a time. “A Woman’s Worth” was the typical empowering of the female cause or situation song you get on female singer albums at times and so I sorta overlooked it as a typical formula used on song making for an album. Alicia Keys second album was huge as well and sold more copies in the first week than most female artist will ever sell of an album titled “The Diary of Alicia Keys”, and even though it was hailed by critics and sold so many units I really didn’t give it a listen and found myself not really caring. “You Don’t Know My Name” and “If I Ain’t Got You”, were big hits from this album but I didn’t care to know her name and she didn’t have me. I just felt like she was something being churned out of some hit making formula scheme like Britney Spears. Alicia Keys' mother was a small no name actress and even Alicia got little bit parts like being part of Rudy’s sleep over guest in an episode of “The Cosby Show”.
Then I heard “As I am” and from that album I heard the song “No One”. I was hooked in by this song and it’s lyrics that were not bubble gum fluff but a story being told in song. So, I found the album and started giving it a preview. I was blown away by “Like You’ll Never See Me Again” and I’m not some 12 to 15 year old girl with some boy drama. It really spoke to me and even as it bordered on cliché it really was something that tugged on the emotions one feels when we’ve lost someone or someone has left. The next song that was just a damn good single was “Lesson Learned” featuring John Mayer(who I hate because he’s a prick in person), and I have to say it was a good teaming and I did like the lyrical arrangement as if a man was talking to his woman. The lyrics at the beginning of “Lesson Learned” talking about broken hearts and how “it’s raining just to rub it in” your face that you’re heart broke and suffering inside from a love just lost can speak to anyone who love and lost and the pain at the loss caused until it all made sense. “Teenage Love Affair”, spoke to her fans that were in the midst of one, and those who could remember when they were teenaged and in a love affair that seemed to mean any and everything to them. These songs strength were enough to make me stand up and take notice of Alicia Keys and not as a one hit wonder or someone churned out by the music business as a money making hit maker, but rather an artist with something to say.
Sure, while making this review I did think about Alicia Keys weird statements about how the government made Gangsta Rap to drag down the African American population. Hell I can believe the government made crack more than I could Gangsta Rap. I know this is just the words of someone who thinks the race she is identifying with while it’s cool isn’t responsible for any acts of stupidity or hurt upon themselves… which is total bullshit. See,her saying this makes me wonder does she know anything about her Irish background which are people still held under the boot of English rule even now. Anyway, you can overlook that with this music, and you can overlook her ample ass monster she stuffs in her painted on pants. Yes, is the answer because the music is just that good. So, if you are looking for some good neo-soul mixed with R&B that flirts with rock and hip hop, then go out and buy Miss. Alicia Keys new album “As I am” and see if you don’t kiss that special someone a little harder and with more passion “like this is the last time.”

Preview her work at the sites below.
Alicia Keys' spot on Myspace
This is her official website.

Rambo 4 (If you have a penis and don't love this movie you are gay or really considering it)

Ok, this movie review has been way overdue. The movie I’m about to tell you about is called Rambo (2008), or Rambo 4. This movie is nothing more than pure excellence. Now, before you start thinking “alright the Untan One is a Rambo lover”, stop and keep reading. I was part of the movie viewing public ready for this movie to be a laugh or just be ok, but nothing close to good. I was soooooo very wrong it is unbelievable. This movie moved me because it was a glimpse into Hell, and Stallone pulled no punches.
Seriously, Stallone played a Rambo in this movie that hated the world, people, and himself. He didn’t speak much which worked so well to show a man withdrawn from society and his own soul. It wasn’t some cliché riddled strong silent type but the fuck you I ain’t speaking type. Stallone didn’t pander to current events by putting Rambo into a current news worthy hot spot like Iraq or African, but rather put him in a Hell hole that few know of called Burma. Few, if any of us knew of the evil in Burma, and wasn’t it future telling irony that we saw how brutal the Burmese government was when they had a Typhoon destroy their country side and refuse aid from any where. It was like the Burmese were saying “fuck our people let them die,” and that was what they said in the movie Rambo 4 as well.
Rambo is hired to take missionaries from one of those rich churches that send groups to 3rd world cesspool thinking they are doing God’s work in a place that God seems himself to have said “fuck it”. His disdain and belief of them as fools is a feeling I have myself for those kinds of groups and thus Rambo and I felt a kinship and I was drawn further into the movie. Now, I could go on more about the storyline but it would be a spoiler in ways for those who haven’t seen the movie and everyone needs to see it especially men. Why especially men? Well, because the message it sends is one that all men need to hear. “Live for nothing or die for something”. In this society we seem to be consumed with making a buck and what we spend that buck on. We have hardly any awareness of the suffering around us much less the suffering in other countries. The call for all men should be to leave this earth in a better shape than what we found it. Sure, I know women can feel and do this too, but because I’m a man I’m talking to dudes so save your comments ladies. Ok, then when we feel a bound and gagged conscience start to loosen its duct taped mouth and call out. We then reapply that tape by going to some 3rd world toilet for “church” and painting some buildings and pass out candy. Thinking that we have done our duty and even talked about Jesus to people who blind their kids on purpose to make them better beggars for next time when we visit. Do you really think that the new coat of paint on their meeting hall made a shit bit of difference to their life? Hell no, they are still eating rat soup when we leave. Trust me people, the reason people sometimes really hate Americans is because we don’t even clean up our own backyard before we start telling others they need to clean up theirs; examples Native American Reservation system, Appalachian People, Urban rot. Funny thing is I knew a woman from Kenya who once had grand illusions about the United States until she got here and said it was so hard to make it here and wanted to go back to Kenya. Now, that sorta says something for this house on a hill we’ve supposedly made for ourselves. The point being that even from Africa where a lion could eat a relative and you could get malaria; they’d rather return to that than live here because here ain’t so great.
Anyway, I know I got preachy but can you see a point as in the fact that Rambo 4 got me this fired up?
Ok ok ok ok…. Back to the movie review.
The violence in this movie isn’t for the faint of heart. I found myself along with Biscuit hollering out loud at the sight of some of the violent acts portrayed on this film. It was a movie that pulled no punches what so ever. If you are a man and don’t like this movie just on the pure “war is hell” and violent level then you really got to check your package at the door because somewhere you lost your balls. The greatest thing about this movie is also how no one tells you the message you should take away from this film. The message just comes to you from the imagery unless you are dead from the neck up which a lot of you are these days. I was left with a feeling of wanting to get a 50 caliber machine gun and go punish some brutal dictators as well after watching this flick and I’m well into my 30’s and no longer believe myself to 10ft tall and bullet proof, but this movie fired me up.
So, get off your ass and go get this movie. Watch it…. Think about it…. Discuss it…. And “live for nothing or die for something”. Rambo 4 one damn awesome movie…. Oh, almost forgot in my Rambo fueled vigor. *The Biscuit Rating for this movie was…. Rubbing the head and face followed by Goddamn (5 stars) This movie will be bought by him and talked about for some time.* This is the highest rating Biscuit gives to a movie. Hell, I give it my highest rating as well and it got me so fired up I went Rambo on your ass in my review…. But I still love you all.

In certain cultures a man with body hair equals DEAD SEXY...

Ok, ok, ok, ok... I know I am woefully behind on my music and movie reviewing but I'll catch up I promise. Seems some of my readers didn't heed my warning about I am Legend and watched that snoozer anyway. So, if my suffering or enjoyment and warning there of aren't being taken into consideration I figure I got a little slack.
ANYWAY
This brings me to my post this morning. Ever the traveling one, your hero, me the Untan man has found something of interest. It seems here in the United States a dangerous trend to have men hairless has taken a greater hold over society. Something that I myself find disturbing being gifted with enough body hair as to not confuse me with Bigfoot but rather a man with testosterone in acceptable levels. So I searched out from our shores to find another place for my now indication of need to be banished to the island of misfit toys. Wouldn't you know it.... I found such a place... and that place is ENGLAND BITCHES... and here is my proof. Seems some poor souls in the UK haven't been gifted with a winter coat of manly-ness and thus the Chest Wig was developed. Seems over there the hairy chest is a marker of macho and something liked by the ladies... There is no talk of body waxing... There is no talk of tweezin (which I am a fan of if you have a unibrow). Nay, there in the misty isles they want their man furred. To Hell with a "Happy Trail"... the women their want a Happy Super Highway from neck to nuts. Ah, the freedoms the men there must enjoy... For shame cruel USA with your waxing and plucking. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM... a place for chest hair freedom. Oh, and did I mention most if not all there are pale... as in untan... I'm fucking going, that's it.

For all you non-believers....

I have gotten a question or two concerning a couple of pictures I have up on here sprinkled through my "Commentary on the things I find along my travels", and one of the questions is did I really take the picture or not. Some yes, some no... but here is proof that the weird is something I seem to run across from time to time. Now my children sit back and take a gander as this offering. Apostolic Spoken Motion Ministry... seriously I got nothing... it's like shotting fish in a barrel. You know I bet this means Shakira's hips really don't lie... and here I thought those fuckers couldn't talk, except say "hey this bitch has a double jointed anus". "Spoken Motion Ministry"... hip thrust "God is good"... spin, hump, hump "Sin is bad"... bustin a move "Jesus died for our sins"... break dancing "what better metaphor for the Passion"... if Moses had the Jitterbug fuck those ole Commandments. Need I say that Salsa, Meringue, Lambada, and Free Stylin' are all tools of SATAN.
Just look at this proof...Hang on folks I gotta do the "Robot" after seeing that evil image of devil woman and her fairy dance partner... I bet they had just done the Tango in the Ballroom Coven just after they sacrificed a baby at their Black Mass/Baco Raton Leisure Center (Bingo every Monday and Thursday and every third Saturday for our Gentile friends)...
I know a woman who used to be a dancer... (professional not erotic). Could she have been like me and praising Satan with her dancing as I did by just listening to Black Sabbath and Danzig totally unaware?
This dancing at the DDA or Divine Dance Academy is also Prophetic Dance at that... so not only are they worshiping Jesus with a "Boot Scootin" and "Two-Steppin" but they are also telling of the future second coming as well. They Stomp da Yard and you best get yer ass in line cause the lord be a'coming soon. Cloggin and it's a call to repent... You know I'd almost pay my dancer I know to go take a class or two of this... that would be a hoot... fuck it now you know what you're getting for your birthday... wait... I wonder if I can say I'm going to church and come home reeking of stripper and say I tithed and got a powerful message?
This sign that I saw magnetized on both sides of a car in the Ingle's parking lot gave me hope... Look how far we've come since Footloose. Town kept down by a preacher taken over by Satan and forbidding dance... and now there are schools that teach "Spoken Motion Ministry". Left, right, left, right, one, two, hip thrust, dip and spin... you're saved.

Tornadoes, Chasing rainbows, and busting my ass

Last week there was a rash of really bad weather. Atlanta was hit with a tornado which I think was the first in its recorded history. The Untan one over at my mother's house and she being one who did not live too far from said action had to take cover the next day as tornado sirens started blaring. There was rain, thunder and lightning, and hail the size of quarters. We retreated to the basement only for the weather to pass as quickly as it came. The cool breeze along with rain was all that was left of the impending bad weather that was dropping tornadoes left and right in and around my area. Upon coming out of our hole we found ourselves on the porch and over to the side I noticed something and just happened to have my camera phone with me. It was a rainbow. Now, I'd never seen one that close and being the romantic idealic fool that I am; my first thought that rattle out was.... pot'o'gold. So, my ass went Cadillacin like a large draft horse with a serious case of rabies running off the porch. The end of the rainbow was only 20 yards from me.... but as is the case in most of my cautionary tales of woe; the ground was rather slick from the rain which was just passing to the east. I slide I think a good 4 feet before ass meat hit where once were my feet.
Did this stop your hero... oh no... it did not. Pushing myself back up to my feet I continued to the rainbow's end but with a noticeable hitch in my step and borderline terminal injury to my pride which was made no better by the rather loud doubled over cackling coming from the porch... (ah a mother's love)
Anyway, I made it to the rainbow... alas there was no gold but it was definitely different standing in a rainbow. You could see the colors and it was just like being bathed in light in every hue of the spectrum. So, I can add that to my list of things I've done that most haven't and that is I have stood in a rainbow. Sure enough like all things beautiful it too did fade but the beauty still remains in my mind. On a side note I did not start singing Judy Garland numbers or have a weird craving from ruby shoes or a witch killin... but Mom's dog is a Cairn Terrier which is the same breed as Toto... hmmmmmm

I am Legend (I am Rehashed Zombie movie... what do you get when you combine 28 Days Later and the movie Outbreak?)

I am Legend... you know when I saw this movie I wanted to like it because I'm a fan of this kinda movie. What kinda movie you might be wondering? Well, the kind where there are mutants and or zombies about to wipe everyone out and you got some sole survivor that is either gonna cure them all or kill them all.
Hmmmmmm...... uh Untan do you need to issue a spoiler alert you might ask!?
No, not really I will say rent 28 Days Later which is a better movie of this genre. Imagine the lead character is Will Smith instead of some thin Irish actor with the best Irish last name Murphy and it's not London but New York City and you're almost all the way there. This movie(I am Legend) offered me nothing new and the zombie/infected were massively CGI'ed, where they weren't in 28 Days Later which just shock me up more when they looks like for reals people and shit.
Saint doctors working against a disease was done better in my opinion in the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. I remember watching Outbreak all twisted up saying "catch that damn monkey already". In I am Legend I just wondered when the dog was gonna get killed a la Ole Yeller style.
This genre is pretty played out and needs to take a break for a few years and reboot the idea. Will Smith is an OK actor sorta like the Bryant Gumble of black actors. The idea of the movie was better in the graphic comic book... excuse me adults read graphic novels... right... wake up losers it's a comic book and yes I'm gonna take your lunch money.
So, if I am Legend comes on cable watch it if you got an hour or two to kill otherwise it's easily missed and not regretfully so.
I am Legend? More like I am Tired Rehashed Genre...
This movie got a rating on the Biscuit Movie Rating System of:
1 leg shake and a constipated look with shrug

Nothing on TV in the dark a.m. hours could lead to STD's....

This lament has been heard by everyone that suffers insomnia, "there's nothing on TV". Truly, it is the land of info-mmercials and shitty movies you'd never watch if you had something to do. The thing that I find interesting is how it's a commentary on our culture. You see info-mmercials on getting a bigger cock through pills or pump... you see pills to make sex last 2 hours longer than a week and maintain terminal erection for 3.9 hours because god in heaven help you if it goes 4 hours akimbo...you then see ways to become independently wealthy from people just dying to share their secret pathway to that said wealth... you then have (my favorite) the Girls Gone Wild video offers and honestly what guy among us hasn't almost been convinced to order one of those videos... you then have love lines where you call in and meet a mate or partake in a 1.95 a minute gherkin jerkin... then the mother of them all the Valtrex commercials.
See it started to make total sense to me... it's like I figured out the code or broke into the matrix. See you get the pills or pump and get a bigger hot hole humping hockey stick. Then you get the magic pill to keep your Asian scarin Godzilla piss pop hard because your ticker just can't pump up your new mutant slobber harmonica. Then you realize something that would make John Holmes give you a thumbs up ain't all it takes cause you need the money to get the pad to do the said "ahh push it" indoors. So, now your buying three legged jeans and have a pill to keep it so it opens doors, and you also now have a pimp palace from the proceeds of your road to wealth idea that the government don't want you to know about. Then it hits you... the lady you bagged has no time for a 3 hour hump and dump session because she's paying a sitter by the half hour, and so you buy the Girls Gone Wild videos which desensitize you to any woman you could really get in real Hee Haw Hell Georgia. Then desperate for the wild thing you call the hook-up line and something visits you that looks like an English sailor from 1700's with a serious case of scurvy but you don't care because that huge cherry poppin daddy has made you lite headed and you need relief after just two hours of it doing nothing but being a sun dial. You do the deed and boom a month later you are wondering why you feel like you're pissing mace. Then you get the Valtrex... thus completing your journey through late night TV. See... I told you I had it figured out.