3:10 to Yuma ( You Got The Time??? Yes, It's Western Remaking Goodness Time)

There are times I think that Hollywood needs to put some chlorine in its writers/idea pool when I see another remake being put out. These same thoughts came to mind when I saw that 3:10 to Yuma was being remade since the first attempt in 1957 when it was helmed by Delmer Daves, which stars Glen Ford and Van Heflin. I couldn’t help but also be curious in my want to see what two of my favorite actors Russell Crowe and Christian Bale could do with this western movie idea penned originally by “Mr. Western Writer” Elmore Leonard. I was also wondering how “Walk the Line” (a movie I liked) director James Mangold could do with a remake firstly and a complex story to pull off on film lastly. Now, I’m not some purist that thinks westerns were better back in the day or that singing cowboys were kinda stupid and more modern westerns are better. I don’t think anyone can touch John Ford’s movie called “The Searchers” starring none other than “The Duke” John Wayne, which is by far number one in my top ten western movie genre list. That being said I also love Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, and so I’ve got an open mind to most movies and good is good and bad is bad. The 2007 remake of 3:10 to Yuma is western movie gold.
3:10 to Yuma doesn’t try to get all focused on the time element by showing clocks the entire film. It fleshes out its two main characters, Russell Crowe playing the charismatic outlaw Ben Wade, and Christian Bale playing the good man against the world and holding it on his shoulders most moments dirt and skeletal cattle rancher Dan Evans. In typical Americana style we are presented with an outlaw Ben Wade we can romanticize and loathe all at the same time, Crowe adeptly plays an outlaw that can charm the panties off any woman, and shot you between the eyes for burping at the table. The Dan Evans part played by Christian Bale was done with such convincing acting ability by Bale, that I found myself wanting to give a dollar or two myself to help him and his family out. Dan Evans was a man doing the best he could after being shit on by his government, family, land, and god, yet still finding the will to fight which is a testament to the human spirit. He is thrust into the world of Ben Wade by chance but tries to take advantage of the situation by working to take him to the prison train bound for Yuma, just to help his beleaguered family’s money problems.
The 2007 remake is a movie that sheds the remake dullness and stands as a movie on it’s own. Sure 50 years is a long time between original and remake but sometimes the original over shadows the remake, that isn’t the case here. The 2007 version of 3:10 to Yuma is leaps and bounds above the original and is a must have if you are a lover of western genre films. The action is well placed and the grit is so gritty you think at times you too have dirt in your mouth. The ending isn’t Hollywood-ish at all and that is what makes it wonderful because cliché seems to rule the day most often in Tinsel Town. Crowe and Bale pull together one helluva western in a time when we seem to be in a drought of westerns. So, saddle up to a movie that brings you back to when the west was wild and men were made of true grit and guile, and if someone asks you what time it is tell them "3:10 and time to get a damn watch, bitch."
On the Biscuit Movie Rating System this movies received: No leg shakes followed by “Damn dude”
(On a side note he will be buying this movie for sure along with yours truly the Untan one.)

American Gangster (More Like Fur Really Is Murder or Dating A Puerto Rican Can Kill You)

First off let me say I’m a big fan of the whole Gangster genre of movies hence I waited with baited breath to watch American Gangster staring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. The story is based on the true life story of Frank Lucas played by Denzel Washington and his rise to underworld powerhouse on the heroin trade in Manhattan along with the other boros during the late 1960’s into the 1970’s. His cop counter part Detective Richie Roberts is played by Russell Crowe.
The problem happens when you think you are going to see a gangster or mob type genre of film because it can also be argued this is a cops and robbers film as well. The story starts off well but as in most “true life” based movies there is a lot of back story they have to evolve from. It’s like there is so much build up you are kept wondering when is the action really going to hit but it never really does. Sure you have some scenes where folks are stepping out of line and Denzel’s character has to regulate (typically with killing them) but it sorta drags on.
I will say this that the portrayal of the cop played by Crowe is really gritty and very true to life. Most cops’ life suck and a good cop is sometimes the rare find in a city full of corruption. Although in saying that Crowe’s character is totally clean isn’t right either because while at work his character is beyond temptation, but in his private life his character is at best most times in shambles with many foilables and breaks to temptation.
So, we are given two very deep and in depth characters and it seems most of the story line gets lost in that regard. It was very right to explain and develop the Frank Lucas character in the movie, and it was just as right to explain and develop the Det. Richie Roberts character. The problem being that they could have made two movies from both those people. Combining the two really did make it a movie not hard to follow but something you can’t just put into 2 hours of movie magic. I didn’t know any back story or history of this story but I knew Frank Lucas was going down hard when he married the Puerto Rican. Nothing says bad luck coming like a Puerto Rican being thrown into the mix. Hey it isn’t a racism thing it is just a movie thing… West Side Story, The Soprano’s season six, American Gangster, and my dating past…you get my meaning.
I will give one tip about watching the movie and that is pay close attention to what happens when Frank Lucas is gifted a fur coat by his Puerto Rica bride played by Lymari Nadal. It’s like they were saying fur equals bad things-a-coming, and so go faux because fur is murder.
So, I can’t recommend going to see this film in theatres, because in my opinion it just isn’t worth it. I would say rent it once it’s out on DVD because it is worth a watch. I wouldn’t own it in my vast collection just because it isn’t memorable. On the Biscuit rating scale it only got two leg shakes followed by it was ok then compared to something he felt was a better film (The Departed), and so that is not a ringing endorsement on mine or his account.

The Biscuit Movie Rating System

Allow me to explain what this rating system is all about. Biscuit is a buddy of mine that I typically screen new movies with and over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to his ratings of films. While some movie ratings have a thumbs up or down, and others have a five star system; I will be introducing my very own Biscuit Rating System (not to be confused with the bread product).

Crippled by Christmas shopping, and now needing a candy cane to walk...

Being this is the season for stress and shopping until dropping. The Untan one shall be taking a Winter's nap from bloggin for the next two days. Who knows I might get froggy and rant about how this time of year has descended into a consumer hell on earth but I think I'll be doing the family thing while they are still on this plain to celebrate with.
For those I've lost this year my tree just doesn't seem as bright. For those I know hurting during this time... I hope some part of me can be a pain killer. For those without, know I'd share what if anything I have cause I don't plan on taking it with me. For those that have come in my life and supported, loved, and became my fan of one, know you've made all the difference.
This year some have made a great effort to take the bah from my hum bug.
Now something to laugh at or ponder... you be the judge.

I think this would be me as Santa after about 12 Jäger bombs to dull the pain of shallow brats asking for the lastest consumer good being pushed down our throats by soulless companies. This is a Santa who just found out his "job that no American would work" supposedly has been taken by a illegal Mexican working for less. Once upon a time I was a cook while in college to make some cash now you can't beg away those jobs from the all spanish speaking staff. Yet our government and political pundits would have you believe no one local would work those jobs.... lies all lies

The Land of Confusion And Where to Shop...

Ok, I don’t understand why people tell me they have a hard time shopping for me. Those of you for who this statement applies to (all 3 of ya), I present these two stores. Just look someone put both of them side by side.
I gotta be honest when I saw the store on my left I ran to it giggling and making noises of joy like the retarded kids did in high school going to class on Banana Bread day. The concept of wholesale BJ’s (cause retail blows…no pun intended) was like Santa got my list. Unfortunately, I had to come to my senses really quick because a full of pseudo-Christ soccer mom in a SUV almost took me out not paying attention to the pedestrians in her path of terror.
I will say this I had no idea that they made clothes for my dick. Of course on a few excursions to a local Adult Book Store I’ve seen “sporting” goods for my who-who fiddly. The mind does wonder what bedazzled ornaments or clothing would be available in Dick’s for my pork sword and goolies.
Funny thing is, I stopped before going into either store because I thought it is Christmas, and I’ve already heard once again that it’s hard to shop for me. So, with that in mind I offer you two stores within which I’m sure you can find something for me. Why at BJ’s wholesale club, hell just a membership to the club says love. God Bless ya if you bought ole Untan a six pack of BJ’s at whole sale prices. Then you could pop into Dick’s and find a sporting good or two along with a costume to adorn my solo warrior in the valley of the vag.

No boyfriend knew the reason Tiffany didn't like Doggie style... UNTIL NOW...

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Shitty 1980's Hair Metal and other bastard Metal children. Introducing Man 'o' War or as I call them Man 'o' Whoa...

Is it just me or do you get the feeling these guys form a group of bad-metal-mother fuckers... standing there with their clinched fist showing anger and power, or could it be their leathers all in different colors and styles showing their fierce individualism? Who knows and who cares.... these guys blew and everyone knew it (alas some didn't get the memo). Nirvana and Pearl Jam were the flush of the toilet we all needed to send these turds packing down the sewer with rest of their uber tough posing bitches. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD)Here's a news flash... these ass hats are still making music!!! That's right, you read me right. Like we weren't full of their shit they were serving up with album titles such as..."All Men Play Ten," "Sign of the Hammer," or the album where they dubbed themselves "King of Metal". God almighty where is the justice? Kurt Cobain commits suicide and these floaters are releasing albums even in 2006 called... I shit thee not "Sons of Odin". Sure I'd burn a candle if these guys committed suicide... to get rid of the smell of shit they left behind. You might think this these dead from the neck up musicians were from some European country, like say Germany. Nay... they are from America... Auburn, New York of all places. Ready for this??? These cod pieces have fans, "where oh Untan do they find fans," you may ask... Well where else... Germany and other tone deaf and tasteless European countries. Yes, from the land of sauerkraut (pickled shredded cabbage), and horse sauage showing how they lack taste buds and just taste in general. We have people who make bands like this and guys like this a star.
Ok in total fairness I have German friends who can't understand the "Hoff's" popularity either, and don't like horse sauage or pickled cabbage. So, my brothers in Germany wonder why their fellow country men like to be America's dumping ground or outhouse for shitty music as well. Seems Man 'o' Wanker give poor souls free t-shirts that can't be bought anywhere else if a fan comes in from another country other than the current country they are playing in "WHAT A TREASURE".
I went ahead and put up one of their cliche riddled videos... notice during the video they run into the cops, and Johnny Law turns these metal rockers clad in leather away from their town to raid some other unsuspecting TCBY. God knows with these raiders of metal (vomit) rock on the lose no Carvel is safe... I bet these fucks demand one more scoop on their two scooper's for free...THOSE BASTARDS!!! Ok, I've not included a link to their page because honestly it might show them some sorta support. If you want a good laugh just Google these clowns, and look at what we could have been stuck with if the Seattle scene had never happened. Now, if you'll excuse me since I've binged on fart knocker metal I need to go purge.

Heaven isn't to far away...Closer to it everyday...And no matter what ya friends might say... we'll find our way

Be the words from a late 80's prophets they sang this quatrain, that truly shitty hair metal band known as Warrant...

Just the other day during my travels I think I found the subdivision I want to move to once I find myself less residentially challenged. Forget about your swimming pool and tennis court gated communities. I want the name of the subdivision not to be a description of what they paved and plowed over to make the cookie cutter lots. Nay, I want my subdivision to say just what I’m thinking some days… cause I keeps it real like that… introducing my future subdivision.

Imagine my surprise, when I pulled off into the local mall or modern day temples to the consumer gods that I saw this. “What did you see Untan,” you might find yourself asking, and I’ll tell ya. I found a store offering something that I thought was illegal to sell and not only that but at 50% off, bitches. Granted it is the larger variety they are selling but at 50% off you can deal with the queef, or cooter pooter as we say in the country. "Where is this Xanadu, Shangri La, or Briggadune," you might find yourself saying breathless with anticipation... "Oh, PLEASE, Untan even though we be unworthy of Eden tell us the location of that which you have found," would come your pleas cause I knows you be wonderin. Well, Untan does hear your laments from on high and will tell you my children where to find this place of milk and honey...it’s in Cumming, (oh it's a real place) Georgia, of course.

The Glorious Mullet and the evidence of its world domination

Who knew that when I was rocking the poodle mullet in high school that slowly my "Band of the Quaff" was spreading and taking over the world. Listed below are the names the mighty hairstyle goes by... kinda like how there is a word in each language for God and the Devil, so too are names for the mullet...coincident??? I think not.

The Argentinian term is Cubana, in reference to the alleged popularity of the haircut among Cubans, and also called "Colectivero" in reference to public bus drivers.

The Brazilian term is Chitãozinho e Xororó, in reference to the singers who started using this haircut in Brazil.

The English Canadian term is "hockey-hair" in reference to the haircut's popularity among ice hockey players.

The French Québécois Montréal term is "coupe Longueuil" (Longueuil haircut) in reference to the Montréal suburb of Longueuil.

The English Québécois term is "pad" because the hair falling flat on the back looks like a pad. The person wearing it is often called a "paddé".
One Australian nickname for a mulleteur is "Freddie Firedrill", supposedly because the subject's haircut was interrupted by a fire-alarm sounding after the barber had finished shaving the front, but before s/he had started on the back of the head.

The Chamoru or Guam term is chad haircut, a reference to its popularity among most "chads" or local Guamanians' version of a "trailer-park person."

The Chilean term is chocopanda, chocola or just "choco", in reference to the ubiquitous public transportation Chocolito Panda ice-cream sellers sporting such a haircut. It is also called a "Zamorano", after Iván Zamorano or "Pichanguera" or just "Changa"("pichanga" is an informal soccer match in Chilean slang), because of the great number of soccer players who use this haircut. This haircut is also popular among the lower classes and gangs. Lately, it is used by the pokemones subculture.

The Colombian term is Siete (seven) because the hair on top and back form the image of a number seven. Also known as Paisa due to its popularity in the northwestern region.("paisas" is a name for Colombians from that region.)

The Croatian term is fudbalerka, literally "footballer (hair)", a reference to its popularity among soccer players in the 1980s.

The Czech terms include čolek (which means "newt"), deka (means quilt) or na debila (means asshole-style)

The Danish term is Bundesliga-hår, which refers to its alleged popularity among Bundesliga soccer players, or alternatively, svenskerhår (Swede-hair), referring to its former popularity in Sweden. For the same reason, it is also called hockeyhår (hockey hair), because of the large amount of Swedes who can be seen on the ice rink sporting a mullet. It is also called nakkegarn, meaning "yarn by the back of the neck".

The Dutch term is matje, which means "little carpet/mat". Some people refer to it as a Duitse mat (German mat) as well, implying that this is a haircut typical for Germans. It is also referred to in Rotterdam and some other areas as "nekspoiler" (neck spoiler, as in car spoiler). Typical for Flemish areas is "nektapijt" (neck carpet).

Other North American English terms are Missouri Compromise, Tennessee Waterfall, Hockey Hair, Beaver Tail, Beaver Paddle, Ape Drape, El Camino, Canadian Passport, Yep-Nope, Soccer Rocker, Achy-breaky-bad-mistakey, Mud Flap, Neck Warmer, Camaro Cut.

The Finnish term is takatukka, which means "rear hair". Sometimes lätkätukka or tsekkitukka is also used, which means "ice hockey haircut" in reference to the Swedish term. Tsekkitukka means "Czech hair", based on Czech hockey players' hairstyle (especially Jaromir Jagr). Mullets are a well known and still popular "hockeyhair" in Czech Republic.

The French term is "Coupe à la Waddle", referring to Chris Waddle, the English football player who adopted this haircut in the 1980s while he played for Olympique Marseille. It can also be referred as "nuque longue" because of the long hair covering the back of the neck ("nuque" in French).

The German term is "Vokuhila", meaning "vorne kurz, hinten lang" (short in the front, long in the back). The opposite to this is "Volahiku". It is topped by "Vokuhilaoliba", meaning "vorne kurz, hinten lang, Oberlippenbart" (short in the front, long in the back, moustache). Because of its supposed popularity among men from the Eastern parts of formerly divided Germany, the hair cut is in Western Germany also known as "Ossispoiler" ("Eastern German spoiler, as in a car spoiler").
Austria has a number of terms, for example "Nackenmatte" ("nape rug") (also used in South Germany). DerStandard.at has a nice list here.

The Greek term is "Χαίτη" (Hety) or "Λασπωτήρας" (Laspotiras) which means "Mudflap".

The Hebrew term is vilon, which means "curtain". Another common term is "Eli Ohana" haircut, named after a famous football player who wore this haircut.

The Hungarian term is also Bundesliga or just simply footballist (soccer player) hair, "focistafrizura".

The Icelandic term is Hebbi, referring to a nickname of an Icelandic singer called Herbert Guðmundsson sporting the hairstyle, or sítt að aftan (long in the back).

The Italian term is "capelli alla tedesca" (hair at German style) or "taglio alla tedesca" (haircut at German style) referring to its former popularity in Germany, above all among Bundesliga soccer players. It is also known as "alla MacGyver" (at MacGyver style) as the main character of this the popular American TV series appears with mullet in some episodes, or as "sette" (seven) because the hair on top and back form the image of a number seven, but also "pitta". This haircut is also very popular among people who listen and dance house music, especially in Rome and Milan. House people in Italy usually show middle-length hair on the top (often spiked up), short hair at the sides (sometimes totally shaved) and very long hair at the back of the head (most of the time they smooth the back hair downwards).

The Japanese term is urufu hea which is the Japanese way of saying "wolf hair." It's actually a quite popular look among young men, though the hair in the front is generally longer than a typical mullet's.

The Macedonian term is "џигерица" [dzigerica], meaning the "liver haircut".

The Mexican term is "buki" haircut because the Mexican band Los Bukis are known to have used this hairstyle.

The Norwegian term is "hockeysveis" or "hockeyteppe", meaning "hockey hairstyle" and "hockey blanket", referring to the hairstyle's popularity among ice hockey players.

The Puerto Rican term is "playero" which translates as "beach comber" or "beach style" because of its stereotypical use by surfers.

The Portuguese terms are: XF which comes from a motorcycle model from Zundapp, or Deixe Ficar which is short for deixe ficar atrás. That's what you say to your hairdresser when you want him not to cut the hair on the back of your head. One other is semi reboque, which means a big truck trailer.

The Polish term is "Czeski piłkarz" - meaning "Czech football player" as in the 1970s the haircut was greatly popular among Czech footballers.

The Romanian term is chicǎ, which means "long hair at the neck". This haircut is associated with redneck-like people and is socially associated with the lack of sophistication or culture.

The Russian term is Dima Bilan, named after The Russian Pop Singer.[5]

The Serbian term is "Tarzanka", referring to Tarzan the Ape Man.

Another Serbian term is "Krčedinka", in reference to the alleged popularity of the haircut in the village of Krčedin.

The Slovenian term is also Bundesliga or simply metlica, which translates to "a small broom".

The Bosnian term for a mullet is "fudbolerka", indicating the mullet's former popularity with soccer players.

The Swedish term is hockeyfrilla, which means "ice hockey haircut" in reference to its popularity among some hockey players. The music group De lyckliga kompisarna wrote a song with this name, that was played extensively on radio in the early 90s.

The Turkish term is aslan yelesi, Fikirtepe modeli or kaleci saçı, which means "lion's mane", "Fikirtepe" (a suburb of Istanbul where this style was popular among shuttle drivers) style" and "goalkeeper's hair" respectively.

The Sanskrit "sikha" ("crest" or "top-knot") that a Hindu Vaishnava devotee wears can be mistaken for a mullet if long and bushy enough. Western devotees sometimes pass off their sikhas as mullets when inquired by outsiders.

The South African term is "Benoni Special" referring to the prevalence of the hairstyle in that area of the country.

The mullet style haircut in recent years has become very common in both special needs men and women.

Chevelle "Vena Sera"

Ok, roll down the windows and crank up the volume on your car stereo, because the world around the road your traveling needs to hear this one. I’m talking about the newest offering from Chevelle, that was released in April of 2007. Now, you might think I’m behind the curve on reviewing this album, but as I’ve told others I don’t give an opinion before I listen to an album. Comments on a band’s new album on the listen of two or three industry released single before it’s released to the public, or reviewing an album via word of mouth or from a few snippets you’ve heard from the radio isn’t my style.
I’m not some industry insider or any bullshit like that, but I am a fan of good music in whatever form it takes. I don’t get albums ahead of release dates unless I hear from one of my pirate friends, and so I review them once I get them and give them a complete listen or three. Chevelle isn’t a new band to me because I already own three of their past offerings which if I’m not mistaken is all they have to offer except for a live album, but I’m a fan of very few (like one or two) live albums. Saying I own any band's album is big, and owning more than three means they must be doing something right. This brings me to Chevelle’s newest album called “Vena Sera”. Oh, and just because I own a band’s catalog of albums to date doesn’t mean they get a free pass from me and I just automatically pick up their newest offering. I give each album from any band a fair listen and if an album sucks no matter if I own ten of their previous works it matters not, and rip or rave depending on what I get.
Ok, first track is a keeper, “Antisaint” is just damn good rock. The vocals are tight and aren’t over powered by the instruments and the vocals mix well with the instruments level. You got to admit once you hear this first track that the trio from Chicago have gotten to a point few bands get too, and that’s the point where they are mastering if not mastered their craft and their own sound. The lyrics while not profound are not nonsensical and meaningless either, but just good head rocking rock. Seriously music can be serious with social commentary or life commentary and it can be loose and almost goofy. The shades of gray between that black and white ends of the spectrum are where music and bands that make it find themselves. Chevelle does a good brand of rock which one can really enjoy without being preachy or too tragic which is what some bands fall into (hello preachy System of a Down and tragic Staid). “Saferwaters” track three on the album is a good tempo change from the first two tracks which rock with more cock out than this song which gives you a breather. Then you’re smacked in the face to harsh your mellow with a great rock scream announcing track four “Well Enough Alone,” which is simple in the meaning of just leaving well enough alone but tinged with the frustration of when that well enough isn’t left alone. This track is really musically densely crafted as well with different musical elements thrown in the mix that really seem to work for me. “Humanoid” track seven starts off like a throw back to a chunky Sabbath style opening, and comes around to one of the band’s major influences which is a little band called Tool and then morphs into the Chevelle style of music. The album’s second to last track called “I Get It”, shows how the band really does get it. It’s just a great track that doesn’t sound like the paint by numbers groups that are out there now (like Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, or YellowCard). The sound is refreshing and truly Chevelle’s sound.
See, there’s a huge thing I’ve found on Chevelle’s fourth album “Vena Sera”, and that is the Chevelle sound. So many have knocked this band as being a cheaper version of Tool and you’d have to be deaf not to hear the heavy influence Tool has on Chevelle’s sound, but isn’t that what great bands are supposed to do? The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Sex Pistols, and Nirvana all influenced bands out there doing their own thing. So, why shouldn’t bands like Tool and its contemporaries of the same caliber have their influence not being seen in newer era bands? I personally believe it’s my generations want to remain young and not realize we are getting older and the bands we discovered in high school are now inspiring and influencing this generations bands that are out now. Sure Tool is still out there rocking the house to the ground and giving experiences in sound (cause you can’t just call a Tool show a concert anymore, cause that would be saying a meeting with the Pope is just some Priest saying hello). It doesn’t mean that someone else can’t hear that sound and say I hear myself in that style as well and I think I can add to that style with my own brand or take. Sure some bands stray to close to their influences and get pigeon holed as copy cats and easily forgotten because who among us has paid any attention to Earshot which was supposedly another one of the Tool-sound-alike bands. If any of you have heard anything they’ve done recently (if they still are a band) or remember a song they did sing then let me know because I don’t. No, Chevelle does sound like a band cut in the style of their influence which is Tool, but they definitely have a sound all their own that you can pick up on and that is a mark of a great band. In my opinion while not on the same caliber as Smashing Pumpkins, Chevelle can now be counted as part of the great bands that have come out of the Chicago area.
So, go out and buy the album “Vena Sera” if you are a Chevelle fan, and even if you aren’t give this album a full listen and not depend on industry A&R released singles to make up your mind on a band. Chevelle has done what I call a mid-career album which solidifies their sound with a strong album of Chevelle music that doesn’t let you down by giving the listener numerous tracks to listen and like. Chevelle’s next album should be huge in sound, song, and scope because they’ve defined themselves and now it’s time for them to expand upon what they are as a band while remaining true to their honed identity. If someone tells you Chevelle ain’t shit but a Tool rip off band then they are just trying to sound cool, because with that logic you could say Nirvana was a Sex Pistols rip off and should have been ignored. Beware people who make sweeping statements about bands being rip offs without having something to qualify a statement like that, because those are the type that might have a Panic! At the Disco album or think Creed really rocked. Do yourself a favor people if you like rock that is just plain good check out Chevelle’s new album “Vena Sera”, because “I Get It,” as their song would say and what I get is that they are some quality listening.
LINKS FOR CHEVELLE
Chevelle's spot on the all knowing and growing swamp called myspace.
Chevelle's very own web page.
** I will not be providing links to ways and places to illegally download a band's music because if you are a smart cookie you already know a place or person(like the Untan one)to get music, but I will provide links to places where you can give a band a really good listen. Then you can go buy the album or not but at least you're informed.**
Below are a sample of a few of the tracks from Chevelle's new album "Vena Sera". Enjoy the listen while these links work.

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, it's a celebration.... NOT REALLY

Just last week I over heard a conversation at the restaurant I was at between a group of women. I wasn’t eavesdropping but as you all know with groups there is always going to be a loud one or two. Well, this particular day the loud one started telling a story about a concert she had recently seen by, My Chemical Romance. First off, I think this band totally sucks in so many different ways, but as in every thing such as this, it’s a matter of taste. The fact someone went to their concert wasn’t the reason I was writing this blog, and the fact that she stated she was 32 isn't the reason either. Ok, I know people who are 32 could like My Chemical Romance, because Nickelback is still floating around because some people have no taste but that’s still not why I’m writing this blog. She said at first she was “kinda feeling uncomfortable because she felt like the oldest person there," but in fact wasn’t. She saw others her age, although those people her age were with their kids. That says something right there and it made me wonder are there some bands that certain people shouldn’t go see because of age, and that my friends is why I’m writing the blog.
If I take my age (33) and think “is it alright for me to like Avril Lavigne”, well sure I can like her music because anyone can.

*URGENT DISCLAIMER* I do not like Avril Lavigne’s music and find it hard not to run my head into a wall if I’m trapped in a place that’s playing it, and in the aforementioned sentence I only say I like her music for demonstration purposes only…. You may now resume your blog reading**

Could you go and buy her music at a store or online?... Of course
Could you go and buy a ticket to her concert if she came to a town near you?... Sure why not
This all being said would you stick out like a sore thumb? YES… The crowd at her show would be at least 10 years younger than you (if you were my age), and if you went and if by chance there were some there your age (in the few that you’d number), then they would be with A. their kids being a chaperon and hating life, or B. have a really shitty taste in music in my opinion. There is no argument that people have a right to go and enjoy music of any varieties… hell some people like Bright Eyes, but they dwell in a fantasy land and speak Esperanto.
The thing is… would they stick out, and yes they would. It is almost like saying enjoy the music but only go to age appropriate concerts. Sure, that is really subjective to everyone about what concerts should certain aged people show up at. See, a kid of 12 to 15 at an Oldies concert and folks think “aw they like the classics”. Have someone as old as me show to see Hannah Montana and people think “holy shit, it’s a pedophile.” As long as you keep your dick in your pants and don’t try to touch kids then you have every right to be at the Hannah Montana show. You start dancing and holding your hands in the air singing the lyrics word for word, then you no longer are a fan but just someone seriously sad who didn’t get the memo that at certain times it’s just for the young to act foolish.
Did the woman who was 32 make a mistake going to the My Chemical Romance concert? Yes, and not because of age but she did and for the reason I will state now. She said to her friends that she didn’t care she was one of the oldest at the show (which is good), but she said she showed those kids how to rock out (which was so very wrong). People it seems sometimes have a tendency in stressful or awkward situations to make themselves even more the obvious stand-out. Hell, if people were going to watch you because you’re older thinking you're out of place, then you are really going to act the ass and stand out if you “SHOW them” how to rock out (old school style rock out I’m sure). This shows you that once you feel uncomfortable at a concert or live gig that you really should think twice about going to another one. Kind of like those commercials that they were showing about people discovering music and going into places they had no business being in and getting in trouble for it. I’ll never forget the one commercial I saw that had the lil Asian guy walking into a leather S&M bar, because he really liked the techno house music he heard from the street. It later shows him strapped turning on a Wheel of Pain, with a mistress warming up a Cat-o-Nine-tails to punish him for trespassing as he screamed behind a ball gag. The commercial went on to say there are easier ways to experience new music. Well, they are right there are better ways to experience music than going to places that could be a little dicey.
So, with all this being said, just make sure you are doing the right thing when you go for certain music and decide to see that music in its natural habitat or go to a concert. For instance Mastodon ain’t gonna be featured in Tiger Beat Magazine but Panic! At the Disco would. So, if you’re a 33 year old tattooed metal head from the early 90’s, which show do you think would be the best choice to go see and which one do you think you should experience in the comfort of your own home or vehicle??? Some of you might not know the answer to that, but let me leave you with this picture below to help you figure it out, and chose wisely people.
(Notice the majority of Panic! At the Disco fans, and then Mr. Free Baller keepin it real with a bit of sack trying to escape, and think who belongs there and who doesn't. Sure they all have a right to be there but just because you have the right don't mean you should exercise it.)

Check the box that applies to you... Nougat Filled (CHECK)

In these times we find ourselves so divisive. Whose race is better? White, Black, Red, Yellow, Tan, or Pale with spots of dark pink during times of duress. Whose religion is going to get you to heaven? Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhism, Hinduism, or that cult I started where it’s ladies night every night. As you can see there are so many different ways we divide ourselves, that when we break it on down to hair color it starts getting ridiculous. I myself was raised in a household that ascribed to one of the 32 flavors of Christianity, and my skin color just happened to be pale with spots of dark pink during times of duress, but just because of those boxes I check on standardized forms did it put the slant on my world view as well? Sure, I’d like to say it didn’t but I’m not going to kid myself and say I keep it real like an inner city black man that belongs to the Nation of Islam. The truth is I do see the world in a different way, but the key is I can also understand that others see it in their way, but neither one of us are wrong until our views impede on the freedoms and right to pursue happiness of others.
This brings me to the biggest line to ever be drawn in the sand and that line is hair color. If I’m wearing a suit and have a briefcase with a cross pin on my lapel no one will give a shit if my hair is neon pink, because the hair color is my sign and to the world it says “FREAK”. Sure if it’s a young child under the age of 10 then it’s just a goofy kid being all whacky. The other get-out-of-jail-free card for this is, say a school principle or coach dyeing their hair as a joke or to match school colors because the band has sold 10,000 dollars worth of candy bars or the team has beat the cross town rivals. If you decide to dye your hair and the color on the box has “neon” any color, and it’s not some zany joke, but because it shows your rocking spirit; I’m sorry you’re a freak. This isn’t my rules it is the rules society has set up, and I’m in no way saying they are right. Hell, I could care less what anyone does with their hair except for my lady which I enjoy having a rich luxurious mane, but even I know I don’t got too much say in the matter.
You might want to disagree with me saying “NO, Untan... there are bigger issues than hair in the world”, and I would agree with you. Then if you were a woman I’d say if I could cure a sick kid in Africa that you’d never meet by shaving your head for life, would you do it and I bet a “Hell naw” would ring out. Sure you’ll go to some god forsaken third world shit hole with your church mission group and paint a house or two and help build a new hut that will be blown down by the next hurricane or regime change military cue, but alter your person and that’s a wee more than you’re willing to do. I’ve seen grown women weep because 2 inches more of their hair was cut than they wanted and it ruined their entire 3 months till it grew back. Yet, show a Latin kid needing help and you’ll hear them say “Damn Mexicans are ruining everything”, yet he’s from Costa Rica.
Now don’t think I’m just bashing women on this because if men weren’t vain ego basket cases about their hair, there wouldn’t be any “Just for Men” hair color commercials or the multi-billion dollar industry to reverse the signs of balding. Seems men sometimes see their hair like their cock, because if they are lacking in either you just might see a sports car in the garage and or the drive-way.
My point is that there are such huge issues that divide us as culture and as a race (human race assholes), that something as little as hair color or anything hair shouldn’t define us or make us. Sure blondes might have more fun. Sure redheads might be red on the head fire in the hole or have a fiery disposition. Sure brunettes might be the best lay you ever had because of a guilt complex for not being born blonde or redheaded, but that isn’t the point. The point is we all have our things that we group ourselves under and exclude others from, and if we took away one of those things we’d find something else to pick at. It seems for so long we’ve been trying to celebrate being so different from each other we forgot what make us the same. So, blondes may have more fun, but as the picture clearly shows brunettes are more fun to have.

A gift idea for the man who has everything...

Ah, the Holidays where tempers flame up just as hot as the Yule log you got burning. A time when not only are you roasting chestnuts but also getting your nuts busted by those you call family. This is a confusing time of year for some people. Not only are loved ones faced with where to have holiday family get-togethers, but people are faced with gift buying etiquette (should I buy Uncle Bob a gift even though Uncle Bob is a douche and never gives no one anything). Sell that bullshit to the tourist, about "it's more about giving than recieving" after you've been stiffed for the fifth year in a row from the rich relative who you always remember, but they always seem to forget you unless they have a coupon for bullshit. Another hard thing about gift giving is what you get someone on your list that has amassed consumer goods and a lot of the easy gift buying ideas like CD’s and DVD’s.
Well for those of you out there clueless on what to get me for Christmas. I finally have a gift idea for you.

You got it bitches, the MacGyver multi-tool… Why, yes the godfather of mullets himself has the answer you’ve been looking for. How many times during the late 80’s did we not see this bastard blow up a bad guy's base with bubble gum and chest hair, or diffuse a nuclear bomb with one of these bad boys. Hell, I remember some kids really did make a bomb from an episode of MacGyver they saw. Which begs a couple of questions… one, how lame were they to be paying that much attention to MacGyver and two, who knew household Drano could do that?
So I hope this helps those out there looking for me this Yuletide season. I know I’m hard to shop for but now you have a hint for something I want so it should be no problem.
I can’t wait to get one of these bitches because I’m gonna use it to bust into an ATM machine at my local convenience store and make my get away with a cigarette lighter and two packs of Hubba Bubba chewing gum. First the local Golden Pantry…. Next… the world.

I don't knows nothing bout birthing no blog... Miss Scarlet...

Hello, and welcome to my little home on the internet. Picture this moment like Mr. Rogers (rest his soul) walking in singing "Hello" to all his new neighbors out there in TV land. Why right now I'm taking off my shoes and sport coat from my morning at the office. Although I'm taking it a bit further than Mr. Rogers, because right now I'm taking off my pants. Yes, and I'm putting back on the ratty gym shorts I slept in, because the ratty gym shorts I left laying on the floor are much more comfy. Thank whatever god you pray too that what I just did wasn't televised...scrotus interruptus... spooky thing.
Let me also state that I have a wicked pisser case of the flu. Unfortunately yours truly Dangerously Untan must have pissed on Indian burial ground one drunken night because I was afflicted with something that made me look like the anger zombies from 28 Days Later and the just as spooky/rattling 28 Weeks Later. While I sit here and wonder just how much snot can the human body produce. It makes it hard to want to think beyond "will I ever know comfort again". So, I will soon get to regular postings as soon as the demon known as flu is exercised from my body by the witch doctor's prescription of holy voodoo from the Wal-Mart Pharmacy.