Rambo 4 (If you have a penis and don't love this movie you are gay or really considering it)

Ok, this movie review has been way overdue. The movie I’m about to tell you about is called Rambo (2008), or Rambo 4. This movie is nothing more than pure excellence. Now, before you start thinking “alright the Untan One is a Rambo lover”, stop and keep reading. I was part of the movie viewing public ready for this movie to be a laugh or just be ok, but nothing close to good. I was soooooo very wrong it is unbelievable. This movie moved me because it was a glimpse into Hell, and Stallone pulled no punches.
Seriously, Stallone played a Rambo in this movie that hated the world, people, and himself. He didn’t speak much which worked so well to show a man withdrawn from society and his own soul. It wasn’t some cliché riddled strong silent type but the fuck you I ain’t speaking type. Stallone didn’t pander to current events by putting Rambo into a current news worthy hot spot like Iraq or African, but rather put him in a Hell hole that few know of called Burma. Few, if any of us knew of the evil in Burma, and wasn’t it future telling irony that we saw how brutal the Burmese government was when they had a Typhoon destroy their country side and refuse aid from any where. It was like the Burmese were saying “fuck our people let them die,” and that was what they said in the movie Rambo 4 as well.
Rambo is hired to take missionaries from one of those rich churches that send groups to 3rd world cesspool thinking they are doing God’s work in a place that God seems himself to have said “fuck it”. His disdain and belief of them as fools is a feeling I have myself for those kinds of groups and thus Rambo and I felt a kinship and I was drawn further into the movie. Now, I could go on more about the storyline but it would be a spoiler in ways for those who haven’t seen the movie and everyone needs to see it especially men. Why especially men? Well, because the message it sends is one that all men need to hear. “Live for nothing or die for something”. In this society we seem to be consumed with making a buck and what we spend that buck on. We have hardly any awareness of the suffering around us much less the suffering in other countries. The call for all men should be to leave this earth in a better shape than what we found it. Sure, I know women can feel and do this too, but because I’m a man I’m talking to dudes so save your comments ladies. Ok, then when we feel a bound and gagged conscience start to loosen its duct taped mouth and call out. We then reapply that tape by going to some 3rd world toilet for “church” and painting some buildings and pass out candy. Thinking that we have done our duty and even talked about Jesus to people who blind their kids on purpose to make them better beggars for next time when we visit. Do you really think that the new coat of paint on their meeting hall made a shit bit of difference to their life? Hell no, they are still eating rat soup when we leave. Trust me people, the reason people sometimes really hate Americans is because we don’t even clean up our own backyard before we start telling others they need to clean up theirs; examples Native American Reservation system, Appalachian People, Urban rot. Funny thing is I knew a woman from Kenya who once had grand illusions about the United States until she got here and said it was so hard to make it here and wanted to go back to Kenya. Now, that sorta says something for this house on a hill we’ve supposedly made for ourselves. The point being that even from Africa where a lion could eat a relative and you could get malaria; they’d rather return to that than live here because here ain’t so great.
Anyway, I know I got preachy but can you see a point as in the fact that Rambo 4 got me this fired up?
Ok ok ok ok…. Back to the movie review.
The violence in this movie isn’t for the faint of heart. I found myself along with Biscuit hollering out loud at the sight of some of the violent acts portrayed on this film. It was a movie that pulled no punches what so ever. If you are a man and don’t like this movie just on the pure “war is hell” and violent level then you really got to check your package at the door because somewhere you lost your balls. The greatest thing about this movie is also how no one tells you the message you should take away from this film. The message just comes to you from the imagery unless you are dead from the neck up which a lot of you are these days. I was left with a feeling of wanting to get a 50 caliber machine gun and go punish some brutal dictators as well after watching this flick and I’m well into my 30’s and no longer believe myself to 10ft tall and bullet proof, but this movie fired me up.
So, get off your ass and go get this movie. Watch it…. Think about it…. Discuss it…. And “live for nothing or die for something”. Rambo 4 one damn awesome movie…. Oh, almost forgot in my Rambo fueled vigor. *The Biscuit Rating for this movie was…. Rubbing the head and face followed by Goddamn (5 stars) This movie will be bought by him and talked about for some time.* This is the highest rating Biscuit gives to a movie. Hell, I give it my highest rating as well and it got me so fired up I went Rambo on your ass in my review…. But I still love you all.

I am Legend (I am Rehashed Zombie movie... what do you get when you combine 28 Days Later and the movie Outbreak?)

I am Legend... you know when I saw this movie I wanted to like it because I'm a fan of this kinda movie. What kinda movie you might be wondering? Well, the kind where there are mutants and or zombies about to wipe everyone out and you got some sole survivor that is either gonna cure them all or kill them all.
Hmmmmmm...... uh Untan do you need to issue a spoiler alert you might ask!?
No, not really I will say rent 28 Days Later which is a better movie of this genre. Imagine the lead character is Will Smith instead of some thin Irish actor with the best Irish last name Murphy and it's not London but New York City and you're almost all the way there. This movie(I am Legend) offered me nothing new and the zombie/infected were massively CGI'ed, where they weren't in 28 Days Later which just shock me up more when they looks like for reals people and shit.
Saint doctors working against a disease was done better in my opinion in the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. I remember watching Outbreak all twisted up saying "catch that damn monkey already". In I am Legend I just wondered when the dog was gonna get killed a la Ole Yeller style.
This genre is pretty played out and needs to take a break for a few years and reboot the idea. Will Smith is an OK actor sorta like the Bryant Gumble of black actors. The idea of the movie was better in the graphic comic book... excuse me adults read graphic novels... right... wake up losers it's a comic book and yes I'm gonna take your lunch money.
So, if I am Legend comes on cable watch it if you got an hour or two to kill otherwise it's easily missed and not regretfully so.
I am Legend? More like I am Tired Rehashed Genre...
This movie got a rating on the Biscuit Movie Rating System of:
1 leg shake and a constipated look with shrug

3:10 to Yuma ( You Got The Time??? Yes, It's Western Remaking Goodness Time)

There are times I think that Hollywood needs to put some chlorine in its writers/idea pool when I see another remake being put out. These same thoughts came to mind when I saw that 3:10 to Yuma was being remade since the first attempt in 1957 when it was helmed by Delmer Daves, which stars Glen Ford and Van Heflin. I couldn’t help but also be curious in my want to see what two of my favorite actors Russell Crowe and Christian Bale could do with this western movie idea penned originally by “Mr. Western Writer” Elmore Leonard. I was also wondering how “Walk the Line” (a movie I liked) director James Mangold could do with a remake firstly and a complex story to pull off on film lastly. Now, I’m not some purist that thinks westerns were better back in the day or that singing cowboys were kinda stupid and more modern westerns are better. I don’t think anyone can touch John Ford’s movie called “The Searchers” starring none other than “The Duke” John Wayne, which is by far number one in my top ten western movie genre list. That being said I also love Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, and so I’ve got an open mind to most movies and good is good and bad is bad. The 2007 remake of 3:10 to Yuma is western movie gold.
3:10 to Yuma doesn’t try to get all focused on the time element by showing clocks the entire film. It fleshes out its two main characters, Russell Crowe playing the charismatic outlaw Ben Wade, and Christian Bale playing the good man against the world and holding it on his shoulders most moments dirt and skeletal cattle rancher Dan Evans. In typical Americana style we are presented with an outlaw Ben Wade we can romanticize and loathe all at the same time, Crowe adeptly plays an outlaw that can charm the panties off any woman, and shot you between the eyes for burping at the table. The Dan Evans part played by Christian Bale was done with such convincing acting ability by Bale, that I found myself wanting to give a dollar or two myself to help him and his family out. Dan Evans was a man doing the best he could after being shit on by his government, family, land, and god, yet still finding the will to fight which is a testament to the human spirit. He is thrust into the world of Ben Wade by chance but tries to take advantage of the situation by working to take him to the prison train bound for Yuma, just to help his beleaguered family’s money problems.
The 2007 remake is a movie that sheds the remake dullness and stands as a movie on it’s own. Sure 50 years is a long time between original and remake but sometimes the original over shadows the remake, that isn’t the case here. The 2007 version of 3:10 to Yuma is leaps and bounds above the original and is a must have if you are a lover of western genre films. The action is well placed and the grit is so gritty you think at times you too have dirt in your mouth. The ending isn’t Hollywood-ish at all and that is what makes it wonderful because cliché seems to rule the day most often in Tinsel Town. Crowe and Bale pull together one helluva western in a time when we seem to be in a drought of westerns. So, saddle up to a movie that brings you back to when the west was wild and men were made of true grit and guile, and if someone asks you what time it is tell them "3:10 and time to get a damn watch, bitch."
On the Biscuit Movie Rating System this movies received: No leg shakes followed by “Damn dude”
(On a side note he will be buying this movie for sure along with yours truly the Untan one.)

American Gangster (More Like Fur Really Is Murder or Dating A Puerto Rican Can Kill You)

First off let me say I’m a big fan of the whole Gangster genre of movies hence I waited with baited breath to watch American Gangster staring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. The story is based on the true life story of Frank Lucas played by Denzel Washington and his rise to underworld powerhouse on the heroin trade in Manhattan along with the other boros during the late 1960’s into the 1970’s. His cop counter part Detective Richie Roberts is played by Russell Crowe.
The problem happens when you think you are going to see a gangster or mob type genre of film because it can also be argued this is a cops and robbers film as well. The story starts off well but as in most “true life” based movies there is a lot of back story they have to evolve from. It’s like there is so much build up you are kept wondering when is the action really going to hit but it never really does. Sure you have some scenes where folks are stepping out of line and Denzel’s character has to regulate (typically with killing them) but it sorta drags on.
I will say this that the portrayal of the cop played by Crowe is really gritty and very true to life. Most cops’ life suck and a good cop is sometimes the rare find in a city full of corruption. Although in saying that Crowe’s character is totally clean isn’t right either because while at work his character is beyond temptation, but in his private life his character is at best most times in shambles with many foilables and breaks to temptation.
So, we are given two very deep and in depth characters and it seems most of the story line gets lost in that regard. It was very right to explain and develop the Frank Lucas character in the movie, and it was just as right to explain and develop the Det. Richie Roberts character. The problem being that they could have made two movies from both those people. Combining the two really did make it a movie not hard to follow but something you can’t just put into 2 hours of movie magic. I didn’t know any back story or history of this story but I knew Frank Lucas was going down hard when he married the Puerto Rican. Nothing says bad luck coming like a Puerto Rican being thrown into the mix. Hey it isn’t a racism thing it is just a movie thing… West Side Story, The Soprano’s season six, American Gangster, and my dating past…you get my meaning.
I will give one tip about watching the movie and that is pay close attention to what happens when Frank Lucas is gifted a fur coat by his Puerto Rica bride played by Lymari Nadal. It’s like they were saying fur equals bad things-a-coming, and so go faux because fur is murder.
So, I can’t recommend going to see this film in theatres, because in my opinion it just isn’t worth it. I would say rent it once it’s out on DVD because it is worth a watch. I wouldn’t own it in my vast collection just because it isn’t memorable. On the Biscuit rating scale it only got two leg shakes followed by it was ok then compared to something he felt was a better film (The Departed), and so that is not a ringing endorsement on mine or his account.

The Biscuit Movie Rating System

Allow me to explain what this rating system is all about. Biscuit is a buddy of mine that I typically screen new movies with and over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to his ratings of films. While some movie ratings have a thumbs up or down, and others have a five star system; I will be introducing my very own Biscuit Rating System (not to be confused with the bread product).