Death Cab for Cutie "Narrow Stairs" (Hey I got a band for ya... Hurt Locker for Lovely and my new album is mediocre as well)

Death Cab for Cutie....
This name of a band which makes you sorta cringe because it seems so filled with indie pretentiousness to hang a name around your bands collective neck like that, and being from Athens, Georgia I've heard my share of indie darling band names. What's in a name you might ask well sometimes a name can be associated with bad memories like nights seeing the band named Neutral Milk Hotel or Olivia Tremor Control, and wishing you'd stayed at some cheap boozer (which Athens Ga. has plenty)pounding beers for Jesus in the heart of the Bible Belt.
Although let it never be said I will not give something a listen if albeit not holding a facial expression like I know something stinking is about to assault my nose. So, it brings me back to the first time I gave Death Cab for Cutie a listen, and their offering I gave a good listen was the album Plans released in 2005 which I did like and it had a few good tunes that I enjoyed listening to like "Soul Meets Body", and "Summer Skin". I bought the album and thus my microscope came out and I needed to hear more of their catalog. I listened to every album from Something About Airplanes released in 1998 to Transatlanticism the album released in 2003 prior to Plans. The band had a distinctive sound that I found myself enjoying. The music wasn't in your face and the lyrics were fairly poetic if not a big cliche at times, but after time all sentiments get cliche to someone at some point.
Being that I had gone through all their studio albums and liked what I heard I was really looking forward their newest release Narrow Stairs which came out in May of 2008. Like most I did like their single "I Will Possess Your Heart", but I didn't really hear any other song on the album that really just stood out to me, and found myself getting kinda tired of hearing songs about love forlorn women who have issues and the guys they date with issues. I found myself thinking the album was just mediocre at best which honestly not all bands can knock it out of the park with every release. Songs like "Talking Bird" were depressing not because of the lyrics but just because it was a dead horse subject they as a band couldn't stop beating, along with "You Can Do Better Than Me" which made me want to say "hey it could be her fault for being an emotional cripple". The band just made me think they were just a bunch of low self esteem please love me pussies, and the only way you'd get laid to this music is from a pity fuck.
Hence I'm torn, because I do like Death Cab for Cutie they just made an album that seemed like they were phoning it in and seemed to say "Ok, lets do the same thing we've done on each album on this one too". So, if you are a fan of Death Cab for Cutie you should get this album because when you give it a listen you'll say "ya that's Death Cab for Cutie alright", but be left underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed which honestly after listening to their lyrics seems to be how you could describe the song writer's love life "Underwhelmed yet not totally disappointed".
Death Cab for Cutie has made its way into a category which is good background music. Music you really don't pay much attention too but hear a song or two that make you say "oh I like this one" but tune out the rest of the songs. So, on those Sundays when nothing is going on and you're not going out and you just want some music that isn't going make you think or assault your senses then put on Death Cab for Cutie. I bet you'll just sit around and relax and maybe take a nap, which in a way is like a dark cloudy sky on a birthday morning. Wow, I just typed out a Death Cab for Cutie metaphor don't I feel like a college freshman girl who's love life is just sooooo tragic and complicated..... like where is my poetry journal I so need to scribe these emotions and then blog about it thus broadcasting my blandness.

Preview Death Cab for Cutie at the following:

Death Cab for Cutie's official website
Death Cab for Cutie on myspace

What a lovely internet blogging vacation

Soooooooooo..... I've had a long lay off from blogging or anything else for that matter. I know all were just shitting themselves in fear of losing my witty typings.... yes even I didn't miss me, but I'm back to typing "me thoughts". I'm also supporting a new venture known as "Velvet Devil" or "VD" for short. So, yes kiddies I support VD.
So, in the up-coming days and weeks I plan on putting down some shite for all to read and ponder. I will be fueled by numerous diet beverages... whilst sitting in my Superman shorts that hide my shameful Clark Kent dick from the world. Know that I love you all in the hands off internet style that makes a "one-night-drunken-honkey-tonk-stand" seem meaningful and life enriching.

Weezer "Weezer" 2008 other wise known as "The Red Album" (Spark one up and smoke, choke, and wheez to some damn good rock)

Weezer… How do I come at this band in a review? I will say this that their newest album which is their sixth and third self titled album known as “The Red Album” unofficially is one of their best. Personally I have only one album by Weezer in my collection and that’s “The Blue Album” which happens to be their first album. Sure I loved Pinkerton their second offering but never bought it and I’m not entirely sure why other than 1996 and 1997 were a couple of years I don’t remember all that well.
Evidently they were some years that affected Rivers Cuomo in a different kind of way as well. He and the rest of the band called it quits for a couple of years and Cuomo himself went into a self-admitted depression. The band never officially broke-up but went on “hiatus” and weren’t to be seen again as the original line-up ever again with Matt Sharp (bass & backing vocals) being the first to not rejoin the band when thoughts of getting back together started being worked on in 1998. Eventually all concerned worked on their own personal shit along with being creative assholes who decided to finally get over themselves.
What we got was the third Weezer album which was self titled and known as “The Green Album”, and while it was ok it wasn’t a quality release. You could hear they had rust on their song writing and music that had to be sanded off. I mean honestly a song like “Hash Pipe” should be a song sung by kids in high school or fresh out. I can understand that this album while a big seller was rusty and not so great being it was the first after a self imposed 3 year break.
Their third album Maladroit was a harder edged album and one I kind of like better than “The Green Album”, but just happened to be their lowest selling album to date. I love “Death and Destruction”, “Dope Nose”, and “Take Control” from the Maladroit album. This album went into their next studio album offering called “Make Believe”, and I almost hate this album for the one single “Beverly Hills” because it got killed on the radio and MTV. The sad thing is that with the MP3 generation that just buy singles and not albums they miss songs that are deeper cuts like “The Damage in Your Heart”, and “This Is Such a Pity” that could be off any album by The Killers. The album “Make Believe” had Weezer back at their A-game status with a collection of great songs even if “Beverly Hills” did get killed on the radio for me.
This brings us to Weezer’s newest album and their third one which is self titled known as “The Red Album”, and let me just say this album is great. Seriously people, after two listens I found myself trying to sing to a couple of the songs and that is huge. The first song on the album called “Troublemaker” is great and when he sings “how’s this for arts and crafts” and goes into a riff then shouting with the band “That’s Right!” is kind of like saying in your face. “The Greatest Man That Ever Lived”, is the second song and is great how it seems to be a commentary on ego and how some buy into it fully and how others just lampoon it with lyrics “try to play it cool like you just don’t care but soon I’ll be playing in your underwear… I’m like the mage with the magic spell” which cast one on you that makes you laugh. Yes, I said “lampoon”. The forth song on the album called “Heart Songs” is a song that just speaks to you, because we all have a soundtrack in our mind for events past and present. This soundtrack is one we are not ashamed to sing along with once we hear a song from those times we remember with fondness or with a wince. The fifth song on the album “Everybody Get Dangerous” is a song for guys who were bored and put their energies in outlets that could have led to things no so great. The rest of the songs on the album are just as good as the first five on the album and I just enjoy listening to this album over and over. I think if you ever liked a Weezer song you should check out this album and if this is a sign of the future for Weezer then I hope they go beyond the primary colors and give us more music like this. So, spark up your hash pipe and smoke, choke, and wheez along with Weezer’s new self titled album “The Red Album”, and maybe one of them might be one of your “heart songs that never feel wrong”.

Preview Weezer's music at these two places online.
Weezer's Official Website
Listen to Weezer on their Myspace page

Alicia Keys "As I Am" (Thank God You Aren't "As You Were")

I gotta say I’m a purist when it comes to soul and R&B, and being I grew up just down the road from Atlanta, Georgia I gots da street creds to be makin a step-up like dat. This brings me to the album I’m reviewing by Miss. Alicia Keys called “As I am”, and yes I do know I’m a year behind on talking about this album but hey I speak about them once I’ve given them a listen, so deal wit it ya heard.
Now being that I don’t really get much into the newer R&B and soul and feel most who dabble in it now have little of no idea of what they are doing. I will also say that I listen to more rock than any other genre, and so for me to notice “As I am” from Alicia Keys was big to say the least. The album as a whole is a really good listen. I would even buy this album in stores and will in the future. Her debut album “Music in A Minor” was a critical success along with a fan success as well. The single “Fallin” from her first album was a good change of pace from what was out there these days but as all popular songs sometimes it got played to death on the radio. So, in my case at least I hated to hear it come on the radio after a time. “A Woman’s Worth” was the typical empowering of the female cause or situation song you get on female singer albums at times and so I sorta overlooked it as a typical formula used on song making for an album. Alicia Keys second album was huge as well and sold more copies in the first week than most female artist will ever sell of an album titled “The Diary of Alicia Keys”, and even though it was hailed by critics and sold so many units I really didn’t give it a listen and found myself not really caring. “You Don’t Know My Name” and “If I Ain’t Got You”, were big hits from this album but I didn’t care to know her name and she didn’t have me. I just felt like she was something being churned out of some hit making formula scheme like Britney Spears. Alicia Keys' mother was a small no name actress and even Alicia got little bit parts like being part of Rudy’s sleep over guest in an episode of “The Cosby Show”.
Then I heard “As I am” and from that album I heard the song “No One”. I was hooked in by this song and it’s lyrics that were not bubble gum fluff but a story being told in song. So, I found the album and started giving it a preview. I was blown away by “Like You’ll Never See Me Again” and I’m not some 12 to 15 year old girl with some boy drama. It really spoke to me and even as it bordered on cliché it really was something that tugged on the emotions one feels when we’ve lost someone or someone has left. The next song that was just a damn good single was “Lesson Learned” featuring John Mayer(who I hate because he’s a prick in person), and I have to say it was a good teaming and I did like the lyrical arrangement as if a man was talking to his woman. The lyrics at the beginning of “Lesson Learned” talking about broken hearts and how “it’s raining just to rub it in” your face that you’re heart broke and suffering inside from a love just lost can speak to anyone who love and lost and the pain at the loss caused until it all made sense. “Teenage Love Affair”, spoke to her fans that were in the midst of one, and those who could remember when they were teenaged and in a love affair that seemed to mean any and everything to them. These songs strength were enough to make me stand up and take notice of Alicia Keys and not as a one hit wonder or someone churned out by the music business as a money making hit maker, but rather an artist with something to say.
Sure, while making this review I did think about Alicia Keys weird statements about how the government made Gangsta Rap to drag down the African American population. Hell I can believe the government made crack more than I could Gangsta Rap. I know this is just the words of someone who thinks the race she is identifying with while it’s cool isn’t responsible for any acts of stupidity or hurt upon themselves… which is total bullshit. See,her saying this makes me wonder does she know anything about her Irish background which are people still held under the boot of English rule even now. Anyway, you can overlook that with this music, and you can overlook her ample ass monster she stuffs in her painted on pants. Yes, is the answer because the music is just that good. So, if you are looking for some good neo-soul mixed with R&B that flirts with rock and hip hop, then go out and buy Miss. Alicia Keys new album “As I am” and see if you don’t kiss that special someone a little harder and with more passion “like this is the last time.”

Preview her work at the sites below.
Alicia Keys' spot on Myspace
This is her official website.

Rambo 4 (If you have a penis and don't love this movie you are gay or really considering it)

Ok, this movie review has been way overdue. The movie I’m about to tell you about is called Rambo (2008), or Rambo 4. This movie is nothing more than pure excellence. Now, before you start thinking “alright the Untan One is a Rambo lover”, stop and keep reading. I was part of the movie viewing public ready for this movie to be a laugh or just be ok, but nothing close to good. I was soooooo very wrong it is unbelievable. This movie moved me because it was a glimpse into Hell, and Stallone pulled no punches.
Seriously, Stallone played a Rambo in this movie that hated the world, people, and himself. He didn’t speak much which worked so well to show a man withdrawn from society and his own soul. It wasn’t some cliché riddled strong silent type but the fuck you I ain’t speaking type. Stallone didn’t pander to current events by putting Rambo into a current news worthy hot spot like Iraq or African, but rather put him in a Hell hole that few know of called Burma. Few, if any of us knew of the evil in Burma, and wasn’t it future telling irony that we saw how brutal the Burmese government was when they had a Typhoon destroy their country side and refuse aid from any where. It was like the Burmese were saying “fuck our people let them die,” and that was what they said in the movie Rambo 4 as well.
Rambo is hired to take missionaries from one of those rich churches that send groups to 3rd world cesspool thinking they are doing God’s work in a place that God seems himself to have said “fuck it”. His disdain and belief of them as fools is a feeling I have myself for those kinds of groups and thus Rambo and I felt a kinship and I was drawn further into the movie. Now, I could go on more about the storyline but it would be a spoiler in ways for those who haven’t seen the movie and everyone needs to see it especially men. Why especially men? Well, because the message it sends is one that all men need to hear. “Live for nothing or die for something”. In this society we seem to be consumed with making a buck and what we spend that buck on. We have hardly any awareness of the suffering around us much less the suffering in other countries. The call for all men should be to leave this earth in a better shape than what we found it. Sure, I know women can feel and do this too, but because I’m a man I’m talking to dudes so save your comments ladies. Ok, then when we feel a bound and gagged conscience start to loosen its duct taped mouth and call out. We then reapply that tape by going to some 3rd world toilet for “church” and painting some buildings and pass out candy. Thinking that we have done our duty and even talked about Jesus to people who blind their kids on purpose to make them better beggars for next time when we visit. Do you really think that the new coat of paint on their meeting hall made a shit bit of difference to their life? Hell no, they are still eating rat soup when we leave. Trust me people, the reason people sometimes really hate Americans is because we don’t even clean up our own backyard before we start telling others they need to clean up theirs; examples Native American Reservation system, Appalachian People, Urban rot. Funny thing is I knew a woman from Kenya who once had grand illusions about the United States until she got here and said it was so hard to make it here and wanted to go back to Kenya. Now, that sorta says something for this house on a hill we’ve supposedly made for ourselves. The point being that even from Africa where a lion could eat a relative and you could get malaria; they’d rather return to that than live here because here ain’t so great.
Anyway, I know I got preachy but can you see a point as in the fact that Rambo 4 got me this fired up?
Ok ok ok ok…. Back to the movie review.
The violence in this movie isn’t for the faint of heart. I found myself along with Biscuit hollering out loud at the sight of some of the violent acts portrayed on this film. It was a movie that pulled no punches what so ever. If you are a man and don’t like this movie just on the pure “war is hell” and violent level then you really got to check your package at the door because somewhere you lost your balls. The greatest thing about this movie is also how no one tells you the message you should take away from this film. The message just comes to you from the imagery unless you are dead from the neck up which a lot of you are these days. I was left with a feeling of wanting to get a 50 caliber machine gun and go punish some brutal dictators as well after watching this flick and I’m well into my 30’s and no longer believe myself to 10ft tall and bullet proof, but this movie fired me up.
So, get off your ass and go get this movie. Watch it…. Think about it…. Discuss it…. And “live for nothing or die for something”. Rambo 4 one damn awesome movie…. Oh, almost forgot in my Rambo fueled vigor. *The Biscuit Rating for this movie was…. Rubbing the head and face followed by Goddamn (5 stars) This movie will be bought by him and talked about for some time.* This is the highest rating Biscuit gives to a movie. Hell, I give it my highest rating as well and it got me so fired up I went Rambo on your ass in my review…. But I still love you all.

In certain cultures a man with body hair equals DEAD SEXY...

Ok, ok, ok, ok... I know I am woefully behind on my music and movie reviewing but I'll catch up I promise. Seems some of my readers didn't heed my warning about I am Legend and watched that snoozer anyway. So, if my suffering or enjoyment and warning there of aren't being taken into consideration I figure I got a little slack.
ANYWAY
This brings me to my post this morning. Ever the traveling one, your hero, me the Untan man has found something of interest. It seems here in the United States a dangerous trend to have men hairless has taken a greater hold over society. Something that I myself find disturbing being gifted with enough body hair as to not confuse me with Bigfoot but rather a man with testosterone in acceptable levels. So I searched out from our shores to find another place for my now indication of need to be banished to the island of misfit toys. Wouldn't you know it.... I found such a place... and that place is ENGLAND BITCHES... and here is my proof. Seems some poor souls in the UK haven't been gifted with a winter coat of manly-ness and thus the Chest Wig was developed. Seems over there the hairy chest is a marker of macho and something liked by the ladies... There is no talk of body waxing... There is no talk of tweezin (which I am a fan of if you have a unibrow). Nay, there in the misty isles they want their man furred. To Hell with a "Happy Trail"... the women their want a Happy Super Highway from neck to nuts. Ah, the freedoms the men there must enjoy... For shame cruel USA with your waxing and plucking. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND THE UNITED KINGDOM... a place for chest hair freedom. Oh, and did I mention most if not all there are pale... as in untan... I'm fucking going, that's it.

For all you non-believers....

I have gotten a question or two concerning a couple of pictures I have up on here sprinkled through my "Commentary on the things I find along my travels", and one of the questions is did I really take the picture or not. Some yes, some no... but here is proof that the weird is something I seem to run across from time to time. Now my children sit back and take a gander as this offering. Apostolic Spoken Motion Ministry... seriously I got nothing... it's like shotting fish in a barrel. You know I bet this means Shakira's hips really don't lie... and here I thought those fuckers couldn't talk, except say "hey this bitch has a double jointed anus". "Spoken Motion Ministry"... hip thrust "God is good"... spin, hump, hump "Sin is bad"... bustin a move "Jesus died for our sins"... break dancing "what better metaphor for the Passion"... if Moses had the Jitterbug fuck those ole Commandments. Need I say that Salsa, Meringue, Lambada, and Free Stylin' are all tools of SATAN.
Just look at this proof...Hang on folks I gotta do the "Robot" after seeing that evil image of devil woman and her fairy dance partner... I bet they had just done the Tango in the Ballroom Coven just after they sacrificed a baby at their Black Mass/Baco Raton Leisure Center (Bingo every Monday and Thursday and every third Saturday for our Gentile friends)...
I know a woman who used to be a dancer... (professional not erotic). Could she have been like me and praising Satan with her dancing as I did by just listening to Black Sabbath and Danzig totally unaware?
This dancing at the DDA or Divine Dance Academy is also Prophetic Dance at that... so not only are they worshiping Jesus with a "Boot Scootin" and "Two-Steppin" but they are also telling of the future second coming as well. They Stomp da Yard and you best get yer ass in line cause the lord be a'coming soon. Cloggin and it's a call to repent... You know I'd almost pay my dancer I know to go take a class or two of this... that would be a hoot... fuck it now you know what you're getting for your birthday... wait... I wonder if I can say I'm going to church and come home reeking of stripper and say I tithed and got a powerful message?
This sign that I saw magnetized on both sides of a car in the Ingle's parking lot gave me hope... Look how far we've come since Footloose. Town kept down by a preacher taken over by Satan and forbidding dance... and now there are schools that teach "Spoken Motion Ministry". Left, right, left, right, one, two, hip thrust, dip and spin... you're saved.

Tornadoes, Chasing rainbows, and busting my ass

Last week there was a rash of really bad weather. Atlanta was hit with a tornado which I think was the first in its recorded history. The Untan one over at my mother's house and she being one who did not live too far from said action had to take cover the next day as tornado sirens started blaring. There was rain, thunder and lightning, and hail the size of quarters. We retreated to the basement only for the weather to pass as quickly as it came. The cool breeze along with rain was all that was left of the impending bad weather that was dropping tornadoes left and right in and around my area. Upon coming out of our hole we found ourselves on the porch and over to the side I noticed something and just happened to have my camera phone with me. It was a rainbow. Now, I'd never seen one that close and being the romantic idealic fool that I am; my first thought that rattle out was.... pot'o'gold. So, my ass went Cadillacin like a large draft horse with a serious case of rabies running off the porch. The end of the rainbow was only 20 yards from me.... but as is the case in most of my cautionary tales of woe; the ground was rather slick from the rain which was just passing to the east. I slide I think a good 4 feet before ass meat hit where once were my feet.
Did this stop your hero... oh no... it did not. Pushing myself back up to my feet I continued to the rainbow's end but with a noticeable hitch in my step and borderline terminal injury to my pride which was made no better by the rather loud doubled over cackling coming from the porch... (ah a mother's love)
Anyway, I made it to the rainbow... alas there was no gold but it was definitely different standing in a rainbow. You could see the colors and it was just like being bathed in light in every hue of the spectrum. So, I can add that to my list of things I've done that most haven't and that is I have stood in a rainbow. Sure enough like all things beautiful it too did fade but the beauty still remains in my mind. On a side note I did not start singing Judy Garland numbers or have a weird craving from ruby shoes or a witch killin... but Mom's dog is a Cairn Terrier which is the same breed as Toto... hmmmmmm

I am Legend (I am Rehashed Zombie movie... what do you get when you combine 28 Days Later and the movie Outbreak?)

I am Legend... you know when I saw this movie I wanted to like it because I'm a fan of this kinda movie. What kinda movie you might be wondering? Well, the kind where there are mutants and or zombies about to wipe everyone out and you got some sole survivor that is either gonna cure them all or kill them all.
Hmmmmmm...... uh Untan do you need to issue a spoiler alert you might ask!?
No, not really I will say rent 28 Days Later which is a better movie of this genre. Imagine the lead character is Will Smith instead of some thin Irish actor with the best Irish last name Murphy and it's not London but New York City and you're almost all the way there. This movie(I am Legend) offered me nothing new and the zombie/infected were massively CGI'ed, where they weren't in 28 Days Later which just shock me up more when they looks like for reals people and shit.
Saint doctors working against a disease was done better in my opinion in the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. I remember watching Outbreak all twisted up saying "catch that damn monkey already". In I am Legend I just wondered when the dog was gonna get killed a la Ole Yeller style.
This genre is pretty played out and needs to take a break for a few years and reboot the idea. Will Smith is an OK actor sorta like the Bryant Gumble of black actors. The idea of the movie was better in the graphic comic book... excuse me adults read graphic novels... right... wake up losers it's a comic book and yes I'm gonna take your lunch money.
So, if I am Legend comes on cable watch it if you got an hour or two to kill otherwise it's easily missed and not regretfully so.
I am Legend? More like I am Tired Rehashed Genre...
This movie got a rating on the Biscuit Movie Rating System of:
1 leg shake and a constipated look with shrug

Nothing on TV in the dark a.m. hours could lead to STD's....

This lament has been heard by everyone that suffers insomnia, "there's nothing on TV". Truly, it is the land of info-mmercials and shitty movies you'd never watch if you had something to do. The thing that I find interesting is how it's a commentary on our culture. You see info-mmercials on getting a bigger cock through pills or pump... you see pills to make sex last 2 hours longer than a week and maintain terminal erection for 3.9 hours because god in heaven help you if it goes 4 hours akimbo...you then see ways to become independently wealthy from people just dying to share their secret pathway to that said wealth... you then have (my favorite) the Girls Gone Wild video offers and honestly what guy among us hasn't almost been convinced to order one of those videos... you then have love lines where you call in and meet a mate or partake in a 1.95 a minute gherkin jerkin... then the mother of them all the Valtrex commercials.
See it started to make total sense to me... it's like I figured out the code or broke into the matrix. See you get the pills or pump and get a bigger hot hole humping hockey stick. Then you get the magic pill to keep your Asian scarin Godzilla piss pop hard because your ticker just can't pump up your new mutant slobber harmonica. Then you realize something that would make John Holmes give you a thumbs up ain't all it takes cause you need the money to get the pad to do the said "ahh push it" indoors. So, now your buying three legged jeans and have a pill to keep it so it opens doors, and you also now have a pimp palace from the proceeds of your road to wealth idea that the government don't want you to know about. Then it hits you... the lady you bagged has no time for a 3 hour hump and dump session because she's paying a sitter by the half hour, and so you buy the Girls Gone Wild videos which desensitize you to any woman you could really get in real Hee Haw Hell Georgia. Then desperate for the wild thing you call the hook-up line and something visits you that looks like an English sailor from 1700's with a serious case of scurvy but you don't care because that huge cherry poppin daddy has made you lite headed and you need relief after just two hours of it doing nothing but being a sun dial. You do the deed and boom a month later you are wondering why you feel like you're pissing mace. Then you get the Valtrex... thus completing your journey through late night TV. See... I told you I had it figured out.

Things that make me go "hmmmmm"...

This past weekend I heard from a few of my friends that I am a wordsmith. Now, the way it was said wasn't a cut-down or tongue-in-cheek comment either, but something that seemingly meant with a large amount of belief of the truth behind the said comment. So, being the curious bitch I am I looked up the definitive definition of wordsmith. Seems the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online explains wordsmith as follows; a person who works with words; especially : a skillful writer. I got to say that I felt a lot flattered by this, but I think the praise is unwarranted. Yes, I have heard this drum beat being pounded out constantly over the same ole song my fan of one has been playing, but I figured love had way of rose tinting the truth to be something more than it really is in reality.
I was then told by a couple of people I barely know that I have a way with words. I know I am of no great intellect and so it makes me wonder has conversation between peers really fallen upon such hard times vocabulary-wise? Wouldn't it be a simple to just say that I am just above average with the words I spew forth. The fact is I know that isn't the case either because if I were such I wordsmith I would have held certain words inside and not let them fly. Words have a way of really wounding someone and how very tragic when they wound people you truly care about, and only come out as a glaring example of our weakness of character and by no means are born from a fault of the wounded. You really can't take words you say back. I have often said there is no point in defusing a bomb once it's gone off, and so words said when you are betraying not only who they are directed at but ourself can not be taken back.
I suppose the only thing a so-called wordsmith can do is try in his limited way to use those same words people say I work so well with to try and bring some peace to the affected if said in error. So to those that proclaim me wordsmith I do thank you for your praise, but in my definition of such a wordsmith would not let his human failings wound those he cares so very much for. I have said and written things that unlike the delusional who believe there are no such thing as regrets; I find myself regretting. My regrets are my demons in the wee early dark morning hours of sleeplessness and they are legion. So any who speak or write and might one day be called wordsmith; take this warning that the pain you cause by your words you work in will be visited back on your ten fold or at least has been the case with me. When I fall I am always standing on top of a mountain and sometimes my change has only come through the pain of my dearest hearts and for this I may be forgiven but shall never forgive myself. My debt I pay over and over again each night where sleep eludes me and gladly so, least I forget. Life is too short to hurt the ones you love with words you never truly meant because Hell truly is the absence of those you cared for so dearly only to lose because you yourself were for a moment lesser.

Who you can get away with being a dick/bitch too in the service industry and who you can't

...or (The pubes in my Arby's roast beef sandwich and the reasons why)
This is a cautionary tale as much as it is an educational musing of life as I've found it along my travels. My aunt is a great woman and to know her is to love her, but one should be very careful going out to eat with her. She has a bad tendency to be the customer people hate in a restaurant. She wants quality and she wants it her way, and in reality this isn't a bad thing but in food service it can help you in your consumption of pubes, spit, body hair, and kitchen floor filth. She has been on occasion a tad fussy about her meal and at times has arrived for said meal under 10 minutes before the kitchen closes and no buddy but the closers are still in the restaurant. This is taking your dining experience into crazy town.
Let me also state I've worked a few kitchens in my day and so I'm not talking from the witless patron side of things... I've seen the darkside.
There was a small sandwich shop in my home town called Daddy's Deli and it was my aunt's favorite. This should have been a warning because this eatery being her favorite meant she had been there a lot. I remember it like it was yesterday that my mother and I went with my aunt to the Deli of the Daddy, but this visit was to color my life in a hue of heave. This day we visited went down in my memories of youth as the attack of the pubes. That's right... evidently someone in the kitchen (could have been Daddy himself) knew who was eating and put a lil of himself in the meal. I remember looking at my mother's drink cup and noticing all these dark curly hairs on it, and being the observant nipper I pointed them out. Mom turned green... because not only were they on the drink but all over the plate as well. Everyone had a sandwich with a side of curlies from down under. Daddy must have been bald from belt buckle down from the amount of hair that was their. Mother's face had that silent scream on it and we left with her almost wanting to puke and I'm not really sure if she didn't...twas many moons ago and I've blocked out a lot. We told my aunt but for some reason she didn't care... didn't believe... or lived in some deep ghetto in the land of denial. Whatever the case we (my mother and me) never went back to Daddy's Deli after consuming some of Daddy. To this very day I can mention this visit to my mother and she gets sick and hollers "Shut up" shuddering as if remembering a birthday party as a child where the clown blowing up balloons was walking around with his dick out.
What my major point is in all this is, when one is dining out it is really good to get there at a good time and be nice along with not to fussy. Otherwise, you just might be getting your daily dose of humanity literally. Sure fuss at your mechanic, construction worker, and doctor/dentist, but watch your ass when the folks in the service industry you're bitching at are handling your food, because as Daddy proved not only are they handling your food they are handling their balls....who wants lunch?

Puscifer "V Is For Vagina" ( More like "Y Is For Yawn")

Now, I gotta be honest this review of an album really smarts. I'm a huge fan of Tool. I'm a large fan of A Perfect Circle. I've enjoyed listening to collaborations on certain singles of other bands that involved a certain Maynard James Keenan. So, I waited with baited breath the release of his new so called side project from Tool called "Puscifer", and I shit thee not the album's title was "V is For Vagina".... sure it is. I am a fan... of Maynard James Keenan not some music snob who thinks his critique matters, but damn this album blows. I download most of my music before I purchase the album due to past music buying mishaps, and so I got this misadventure in sound for free through my sources and have already deleted it before this post. I was prepared for new... I was prepared for funny... I was prepared for quirky... I was not prepared for absolute shit. I tried so many different times to enjoy at least one single from the album and I couldn't.
I am not even gonna do a track listing of this album. I'm not going to provide a link. I was very much disappointed and it wasn't that I was looking for an offering similar to his other works. All great artist are human beings and we should as they should remember that one does not applaud the singer we love for clearing his throat. Knowing this we should know that in their humanity they shit just like we do, but sometimes as in this time they take that shit and wanna share. Sorry but no thanks... your shit stinks and this shit you took musically should be flushed. Puscifer "V Is For Vagina"...(more like "Y Is For Yawn")...

"Laid back"...."Not gonna rush tha stroke"

OK, I get it... I've been off from bloggin for a wee bit now, but fear not kiddies. Dangerously Untan is back and shall be posting new money shots of verbal masturbation for all to rub in showing true love. Don't really know why I stopped but for some reason I just found myself doing other things. Funny how a couple of classes will fuck up your flow. So, to all (if any) of my fans... "let me lick you up and down...except for your anus", cause I likes my tongue all around but not willing to risk do-do brown. See, just as funky flavored as before so stay tuned.

3:10 to Yuma ( You Got The Time??? Yes, It's Western Remaking Goodness Time)

There are times I think that Hollywood needs to put some chlorine in its writers/idea pool when I see another remake being put out. These same thoughts came to mind when I saw that 3:10 to Yuma was being remade since the first attempt in 1957 when it was helmed by Delmer Daves, which stars Glen Ford and Van Heflin. I couldn’t help but also be curious in my want to see what two of my favorite actors Russell Crowe and Christian Bale could do with this western movie idea penned originally by “Mr. Western Writer” Elmore Leonard. I was also wondering how “Walk the Line” (a movie I liked) director James Mangold could do with a remake firstly and a complex story to pull off on film lastly. Now, I’m not some purist that thinks westerns were better back in the day or that singing cowboys were kinda stupid and more modern westerns are better. I don’t think anyone can touch John Ford’s movie called “The Searchers” starring none other than “The Duke” John Wayne, which is by far number one in my top ten western movie genre list. That being said I also love Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, and so I’ve got an open mind to most movies and good is good and bad is bad. The 2007 remake of 3:10 to Yuma is western movie gold.
3:10 to Yuma doesn’t try to get all focused on the time element by showing clocks the entire film. It fleshes out its two main characters, Russell Crowe playing the charismatic outlaw Ben Wade, and Christian Bale playing the good man against the world and holding it on his shoulders most moments dirt and skeletal cattle rancher Dan Evans. In typical Americana style we are presented with an outlaw Ben Wade we can romanticize and loathe all at the same time, Crowe adeptly plays an outlaw that can charm the panties off any woman, and shot you between the eyes for burping at the table. The Dan Evans part played by Christian Bale was done with such convincing acting ability by Bale, that I found myself wanting to give a dollar or two myself to help him and his family out. Dan Evans was a man doing the best he could after being shit on by his government, family, land, and god, yet still finding the will to fight which is a testament to the human spirit. He is thrust into the world of Ben Wade by chance but tries to take advantage of the situation by working to take him to the prison train bound for Yuma, just to help his beleaguered family’s money problems.
The 2007 remake is a movie that sheds the remake dullness and stands as a movie on it’s own. Sure 50 years is a long time between original and remake but sometimes the original over shadows the remake, that isn’t the case here. The 2007 version of 3:10 to Yuma is leaps and bounds above the original and is a must have if you are a lover of western genre films. The action is well placed and the grit is so gritty you think at times you too have dirt in your mouth. The ending isn’t Hollywood-ish at all and that is what makes it wonderful because cliché seems to rule the day most often in Tinsel Town. Crowe and Bale pull together one helluva western in a time when we seem to be in a drought of westerns. So, saddle up to a movie that brings you back to when the west was wild and men were made of true grit and guile, and if someone asks you what time it is tell them "3:10 and time to get a damn watch, bitch."
On the Biscuit Movie Rating System this movies received: No leg shakes followed by “Damn dude”
(On a side note he will be buying this movie for sure along with yours truly the Untan one.)

American Gangster (More Like Fur Really Is Murder or Dating A Puerto Rican Can Kill You)

First off let me say I’m a big fan of the whole Gangster genre of movies hence I waited with baited breath to watch American Gangster staring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. The story is based on the true life story of Frank Lucas played by Denzel Washington and his rise to underworld powerhouse on the heroin trade in Manhattan along with the other boros during the late 1960’s into the 1970’s. His cop counter part Detective Richie Roberts is played by Russell Crowe.
The problem happens when you think you are going to see a gangster or mob type genre of film because it can also be argued this is a cops and robbers film as well. The story starts off well but as in most “true life” based movies there is a lot of back story they have to evolve from. It’s like there is so much build up you are kept wondering when is the action really going to hit but it never really does. Sure you have some scenes where folks are stepping out of line and Denzel’s character has to regulate (typically with killing them) but it sorta drags on.
I will say this that the portrayal of the cop played by Crowe is really gritty and very true to life. Most cops’ life suck and a good cop is sometimes the rare find in a city full of corruption. Although in saying that Crowe’s character is totally clean isn’t right either because while at work his character is beyond temptation, but in his private life his character is at best most times in shambles with many foilables and breaks to temptation.
So, we are given two very deep and in depth characters and it seems most of the story line gets lost in that regard. It was very right to explain and develop the Frank Lucas character in the movie, and it was just as right to explain and develop the Det. Richie Roberts character. The problem being that they could have made two movies from both those people. Combining the two really did make it a movie not hard to follow but something you can’t just put into 2 hours of movie magic. I didn’t know any back story or history of this story but I knew Frank Lucas was going down hard when he married the Puerto Rican. Nothing says bad luck coming like a Puerto Rican being thrown into the mix. Hey it isn’t a racism thing it is just a movie thing… West Side Story, The Soprano’s season six, American Gangster, and my dating past…you get my meaning.
I will give one tip about watching the movie and that is pay close attention to what happens when Frank Lucas is gifted a fur coat by his Puerto Rica bride played by Lymari Nadal. It’s like they were saying fur equals bad things-a-coming, and so go faux because fur is murder.
So, I can’t recommend going to see this film in theatres, because in my opinion it just isn’t worth it. I would say rent it once it’s out on DVD because it is worth a watch. I wouldn’t own it in my vast collection just because it isn’t memorable. On the Biscuit rating scale it only got two leg shakes followed by it was ok then compared to something he felt was a better film (The Departed), and so that is not a ringing endorsement on mine or his account.

The Biscuit Movie Rating System

Allow me to explain what this rating system is all about. Biscuit is a buddy of mine that I typically screen new movies with and over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to his ratings of films. While some movie ratings have a thumbs up or down, and others have a five star system; I will be introducing my very own Biscuit Rating System (not to be confused with the bread product).

Crippled by Christmas shopping, and now needing a candy cane to walk...

Being this is the season for stress and shopping until dropping. The Untan one shall be taking a Winter's nap from bloggin for the next two days. Who knows I might get froggy and rant about how this time of year has descended into a consumer hell on earth but I think I'll be doing the family thing while they are still on this plain to celebrate with.
For those I've lost this year my tree just doesn't seem as bright. For those I know hurting during this time... I hope some part of me can be a pain killer. For those without, know I'd share what if anything I have cause I don't plan on taking it with me. For those that have come in my life and supported, loved, and became my fan of one, know you've made all the difference.
This year some have made a great effort to take the bah from my hum bug.
Now something to laugh at or ponder... you be the judge.

I think this would be me as Santa after about 12 Jäger bombs to dull the pain of shallow brats asking for the lastest consumer good being pushed down our throats by soulless companies. This is a Santa who just found out his "job that no American would work" supposedly has been taken by a illegal Mexican working for less. Once upon a time I was a cook while in college to make some cash now you can't beg away those jobs from the all spanish speaking staff. Yet our government and political pundits would have you believe no one local would work those jobs.... lies all lies

The Land of Confusion And Where to Shop...

Ok, I don’t understand why people tell me they have a hard time shopping for me. Those of you for who this statement applies to (all 3 of ya), I present these two stores. Just look someone put both of them side by side.
I gotta be honest when I saw the store on my left I ran to it giggling and making noises of joy like the retarded kids did in high school going to class on Banana Bread day. The concept of wholesale BJ’s (cause retail blows…no pun intended) was like Santa got my list. Unfortunately, I had to come to my senses really quick because a full of pseudo-Christ soccer mom in a SUV almost took me out not paying attention to the pedestrians in her path of terror.
I will say this I had no idea that they made clothes for my dick. Of course on a few excursions to a local Adult Book Store I’ve seen “sporting” goods for my who-who fiddly. The mind does wonder what bedazzled ornaments or clothing would be available in Dick’s for my pork sword and goolies.
Funny thing is, I stopped before going into either store because I thought it is Christmas, and I’ve already heard once again that it’s hard to shop for me. So, with that in mind I offer you two stores within which I’m sure you can find something for me. Why at BJ’s wholesale club, hell just a membership to the club says love. God Bless ya if you bought ole Untan a six pack of BJ’s at whole sale prices. Then you could pop into Dick’s and find a sporting good or two along with a costume to adorn my solo warrior in the valley of the vag.

No boyfriend knew the reason Tiffany didn't like Doggie style... UNTIL NOW...

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