Things that make me go "hmmmmm"...

This past weekend I heard from a few of my friends that I am a wordsmith. Now, the way it was said wasn't a cut-down or tongue-in-cheek comment either, but something that seemingly meant with a large amount of belief of the truth behind the said comment. So, being the curious bitch I am I looked up the definitive definition of wordsmith. Seems the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online explains wordsmith as follows; a person who works with words; especially : a skillful writer. I got to say that I felt a lot flattered by this, but I think the praise is unwarranted. Yes, I have heard this drum beat being pounded out constantly over the same ole song my fan of one has been playing, but I figured love had way of rose tinting the truth to be something more than it really is in reality.
I was then told by a couple of people I barely know that I have a way with words. I know I am of no great intellect and so it makes me wonder has conversation between peers really fallen upon such hard times vocabulary-wise? Wouldn't it be a simple to just say that I am just above average with the words I spew forth. The fact is I know that isn't the case either because if I were such I wordsmith I would have held certain words inside and not let them fly. Words have a way of really wounding someone and how very tragic when they wound people you truly care about, and only come out as a glaring example of our weakness of character and by no means are born from a fault of the wounded. You really can't take words you say back. I have often said there is no point in defusing a bomb once it's gone off, and so words said when you are betraying not only who they are directed at but ourself can not be taken back.
I suppose the only thing a so-called wordsmith can do is try in his limited way to use those same words people say I work so well with to try and bring some peace to the affected if said in error. So to those that proclaim me wordsmith I do thank you for your praise, but in my definition of such a wordsmith would not let his human failings wound those he cares so very much for. I have said and written things that unlike the delusional who believe there are no such thing as regrets; I find myself regretting. My regrets are my demons in the wee early dark morning hours of sleeplessness and they are legion. So any who speak or write and might one day be called wordsmith; take this warning that the pain you cause by your words you work in will be visited back on your ten fold or at least has been the case with me. When I fall I am always standing on top of a mountain and sometimes my change has only come through the pain of my dearest hearts and for this I may be forgiven but shall never forgive myself. My debt I pay over and over again each night where sleep eludes me and gladly so, least I forget. Life is too short to hurt the ones you love with words you never truly meant because Hell truly is the absence of those you cared for so dearly only to lose because you yourself were for a moment lesser.

Who you can get away with being a dick/bitch too in the service industry and who you can't

...or (The pubes in my Arby's roast beef sandwich and the reasons why)
This is a cautionary tale as much as it is an educational musing of life as I've found it along my travels. My aunt is a great woman and to know her is to love her, but one should be very careful going out to eat with her. She has a bad tendency to be the customer people hate in a restaurant. She wants quality and she wants it her way, and in reality this isn't a bad thing but in food service it can help you in your consumption of pubes, spit, body hair, and kitchen floor filth. She has been on occasion a tad fussy about her meal and at times has arrived for said meal under 10 minutes before the kitchen closes and no buddy but the closers are still in the restaurant. This is taking your dining experience into crazy town.
Let me also state I've worked a few kitchens in my day and so I'm not talking from the witless patron side of things... I've seen the darkside.
There was a small sandwich shop in my home town called Daddy's Deli and it was my aunt's favorite. This should have been a warning because this eatery being her favorite meant she had been there a lot. I remember it like it was yesterday that my mother and I went with my aunt to the Deli of the Daddy, but this visit was to color my life in a hue of heave. This day we visited went down in my memories of youth as the attack of the pubes. That's right... evidently someone in the kitchen (could have been Daddy himself) knew who was eating and put a lil of himself in the meal. I remember looking at my mother's drink cup and noticing all these dark curly hairs on it, and being the observant nipper I pointed them out. Mom turned green... because not only were they on the drink but all over the plate as well. Everyone had a sandwich with a side of curlies from down under. Daddy must have been bald from belt buckle down from the amount of hair that was their. Mother's face had that silent scream on it and we left with her almost wanting to puke and I'm not really sure if she didn't...twas many moons ago and I've blocked out a lot. We told my aunt but for some reason she didn't care... didn't believe... or lived in some deep ghetto in the land of denial. Whatever the case we (my mother and me) never went back to Daddy's Deli after consuming some of Daddy. To this very day I can mention this visit to my mother and she gets sick and hollers "Shut up" shuddering as if remembering a birthday party as a child where the clown blowing up balloons was walking around with his dick out.
What my major point is in all this is, when one is dining out it is really good to get there at a good time and be nice along with not to fussy. Otherwise, you just might be getting your daily dose of humanity literally. Sure fuss at your mechanic, construction worker, and doctor/dentist, but watch your ass when the folks in the service industry you're bitching at are handling your food, because as Daddy proved not only are they handling your food they are handling their balls....who wants lunch?

Puscifer "V Is For Vagina" ( More like "Y Is For Yawn")

Now, I gotta be honest this review of an album really smarts. I'm a huge fan of Tool. I'm a large fan of A Perfect Circle. I've enjoyed listening to collaborations on certain singles of other bands that involved a certain Maynard James Keenan. So, I waited with baited breath the release of his new so called side project from Tool called "Puscifer", and I shit thee not the album's title was "V is For Vagina".... sure it is. I am a fan... of Maynard James Keenan not some music snob who thinks his critique matters, but damn this album blows. I download most of my music before I purchase the album due to past music buying mishaps, and so I got this misadventure in sound for free through my sources and have already deleted it before this post. I was prepared for new... I was prepared for funny... I was prepared for quirky... I was not prepared for absolute shit. I tried so many different times to enjoy at least one single from the album and I couldn't.
I am not even gonna do a track listing of this album. I'm not going to provide a link. I was very much disappointed and it wasn't that I was looking for an offering similar to his other works. All great artist are human beings and we should as they should remember that one does not applaud the singer we love for clearing his throat. Knowing this we should know that in their humanity they shit just like we do, but sometimes as in this time they take that shit and wanna share. Sorry but no thanks... your shit stinks and this shit you took musically should be flushed. Puscifer "V Is For Vagina"...(more like "Y Is For Yawn")...

"Laid back"...."Not gonna rush tha stroke"

OK, I get it... I've been off from bloggin for a wee bit now, but fear not kiddies. Dangerously Untan is back and shall be posting new money shots of verbal masturbation for all to rub in showing true love. Don't really know why I stopped but for some reason I just found myself doing other things. Funny how a couple of classes will fuck up your flow. So, to all (if any) of my fans... "let me lick you up and down...except for your anus", cause I likes my tongue all around but not willing to risk do-do brown. See, just as funky flavored as before so stay tuned.

3:10 to Yuma ( You Got The Time??? Yes, It's Western Remaking Goodness Time)

There are times I think that Hollywood needs to put some chlorine in its writers/idea pool when I see another remake being put out. These same thoughts came to mind when I saw that 3:10 to Yuma was being remade since the first attempt in 1957 when it was helmed by Delmer Daves, which stars Glen Ford and Van Heflin. I couldn’t help but also be curious in my want to see what two of my favorite actors Russell Crowe and Christian Bale could do with this western movie idea penned originally by “Mr. Western Writer” Elmore Leonard. I was also wondering how “Walk the Line” (a movie I liked) director James Mangold could do with a remake firstly and a complex story to pull off on film lastly. Now, I’m not some purist that thinks westerns were better back in the day or that singing cowboys were kinda stupid and more modern westerns are better. I don’t think anyone can touch John Ford’s movie called “The Searchers” starring none other than “The Duke” John Wayne, which is by far number one in my top ten western movie genre list. That being said I also love Tombstone with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer, and so I’ve got an open mind to most movies and good is good and bad is bad. The 2007 remake of 3:10 to Yuma is western movie gold.
3:10 to Yuma doesn’t try to get all focused on the time element by showing clocks the entire film. It fleshes out its two main characters, Russell Crowe playing the charismatic outlaw Ben Wade, and Christian Bale playing the good man against the world and holding it on his shoulders most moments dirt and skeletal cattle rancher Dan Evans. In typical Americana style we are presented with an outlaw Ben Wade we can romanticize and loathe all at the same time, Crowe adeptly plays an outlaw that can charm the panties off any woman, and shot you between the eyes for burping at the table. The Dan Evans part played by Christian Bale was done with such convincing acting ability by Bale, that I found myself wanting to give a dollar or two myself to help him and his family out. Dan Evans was a man doing the best he could after being shit on by his government, family, land, and god, yet still finding the will to fight which is a testament to the human spirit. He is thrust into the world of Ben Wade by chance but tries to take advantage of the situation by working to take him to the prison train bound for Yuma, just to help his beleaguered family’s money problems.
The 2007 remake is a movie that sheds the remake dullness and stands as a movie on it’s own. Sure 50 years is a long time between original and remake but sometimes the original over shadows the remake, that isn’t the case here. The 2007 version of 3:10 to Yuma is leaps and bounds above the original and is a must have if you are a lover of western genre films. The action is well placed and the grit is so gritty you think at times you too have dirt in your mouth. The ending isn’t Hollywood-ish at all and that is what makes it wonderful because cliché seems to rule the day most often in Tinsel Town. Crowe and Bale pull together one helluva western in a time when we seem to be in a drought of westerns. So, saddle up to a movie that brings you back to when the west was wild and men were made of true grit and guile, and if someone asks you what time it is tell them "3:10 and time to get a damn watch, bitch."
On the Biscuit Movie Rating System this movies received: No leg shakes followed by “Damn dude”
(On a side note he will be buying this movie for sure along with yours truly the Untan one.)

American Gangster (More Like Fur Really Is Murder or Dating A Puerto Rican Can Kill You)

First off let me say I’m a big fan of the whole Gangster genre of movies hence I waited with baited breath to watch American Gangster staring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. The story is based on the true life story of Frank Lucas played by Denzel Washington and his rise to underworld powerhouse on the heroin trade in Manhattan along with the other boros during the late 1960’s into the 1970’s. His cop counter part Detective Richie Roberts is played by Russell Crowe.
The problem happens when you think you are going to see a gangster or mob type genre of film because it can also be argued this is a cops and robbers film as well. The story starts off well but as in most “true life” based movies there is a lot of back story they have to evolve from. It’s like there is so much build up you are kept wondering when is the action really going to hit but it never really does. Sure you have some scenes where folks are stepping out of line and Denzel’s character has to regulate (typically with killing them) but it sorta drags on.
I will say this that the portrayal of the cop played by Crowe is really gritty and very true to life. Most cops’ life suck and a good cop is sometimes the rare find in a city full of corruption. Although in saying that Crowe’s character is totally clean isn’t right either because while at work his character is beyond temptation, but in his private life his character is at best most times in shambles with many foilables and breaks to temptation.
So, we are given two very deep and in depth characters and it seems most of the story line gets lost in that regard. It was very right to explain and develop the Frank Lucas character in the movie, and it was just as right to explain and develop the Det. Richie Roberts character. The problem being that they could have made two movies from both those people. Combining the two really did make it a movie not hard to follow but something you can’t just put into 2 hours of movie magic. I didn’t know any back story or history of this story but I knew Frank Lucas was going down hard when he married the Puerto Rican. Nothing says bad luck coming like a Puerto Rican being thrown into the mix. Hey it isn’t a racism thing it is just a movie thing… West Side Story, The Soprano’s season six, American Gangster, and my dating past…you get my meaning.
I will give one tip about watching the movie and that is pay close attention to what happens when Frank Lucas is gifted a fur coat by his Puerto Rica bride played by Lymari Nadal. It’s like they were saying fur equals bad things-a-coming, and so go faux because fur is murder.
So, I can’t recommend going to see this film in theatres, because in my opinion it just isn’t worth it. I would say rent it once it’s out on DVD because it is worth a watch. I wouldn’t own it in my vast collection just because it isn’t memorable. On the Biscuit rating scale it only got two leg shakes followed by it was ok then compared to something he felt was a better film (The Departed), and so that is not a ringing endorsement on mine or his account.

The Biscuit Movie Rating System

Allow me to explain what this rating system is all about. Biscuit is a buddy of mine that I typically screen new movies with and over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to his ratings of films. While some movie ratings have a thumbs up or down, and others have a five star system; I will be introducing my very own Biscuit Rating System (not to be confused with the bread product).

Crippled by Christmas shopping, and now needing a candy cane to walk...

Being this is the season for stress and shopping until dropping. The Untan one shall be taking a Winter's nap from bloggin for the next two days. Who knows I might get froggy and rant about how this time of year has descended into a consumer hell on earth but I think I'll be doing the family thing while they are still on this plain to celebrate with.
For those I've lost this year my tree just doesn't seem as bright. For those I know hurting during this time... I hope some part of me can be a pain killer. For those without, know I'd share what if anything I have cause I don't plan on taking it with me. For those that have come in my life and supported, loved, and became my fan of one, know you've made all the difference.
This year some have made a great effort to take the bah from my hum bug.
Now something to laugh at or ponder... you be the judge.

I think this would be me as Santa after about 12 Jäger bombs to dull the pain of shallow brats asking for the lastest consumer good being pushed down our throats by soulless companies. This is a Santa who just found out his "job that no American would work" supposedly has been taken by a illegal Mexican working for less. Once upon a time I was a cook while in college to make some cash now you can't beg away those jobs from the all spanish speaking staff. Yet our government and political pundits would have you believe no one local would work those jobs.... lies all lies

The Land of Confusion And Where to Shop...

Ok, I don’t understand why people tell me they have a hard time shopping for me. Those of you for who this statement applies to (all 3 of ya), I present these two stores. Just look someone put both of them side by side.
I gotta be honest when I saw the store on my left I ran to it giggling and making noises of joy like the retarded kids did in high school going to class on Banana Bread day. The concept of wholesale BJ’s (cause retail blows…no pun intended) was like Santa got my list. Unfortunately, I had to come to my senses really quick because a full of pseudo-Christ soccer mom in a SUV almost took me out not paying attention to the pedestrians in her path of terror.
I will say this I had no idea that they made clothes for my dick. Of course on a few excursions to a local Adult Book Store I’ve seen “sporting” goods for my who-who fiddly. The mind does wonder what bedazzled ornaments or clothing would be available in Dick’s for my pork sword and goolies.
Funny thing is, I stopped before going into either store because I thought it is Christmas, and I’ve already heard once again that it’s hard to shop for me. So, with that in mind I offer you two stores within which I’m sure you can find something for me. Why at BJ’s wholesale club, hell just a membership to the club says love. God Bless ya if you bought ole Untan a six pack of BJ’s at whole sale prices. Then you could pop into Dick’s and find a sporting good or two along with a costume to adorn my solo warrior in the valley of the vag.

No boyfriend knew the reason Tiffany didn't like Doggie style... UNTIL NOW...

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